Rambling Rhodes

Nick Coleman Is A Doo-Doo Head

President Bush paid Minnesota a visit this week, so you could practically count the seconds before Nick Coleman used his column to whine about it. The great political mind of Nick Coleman is on full display in his latest descent into journalistic obscurity.

Like George W. Bush, I am unfamiliar with Bracketts Point Road in Wayzata. Unlike the president, I wasn't invited to visit Tuesday.

Nick Coleman would be lucky to be invited to a pot luck dinner held by his own family.

So when I drove up to a traffic barricade that blocked off most of the road hours before the president arrived for a fundraiser, I turned my car around and pulled into the driveway of a home that had a sailboat in the back yard, a family of ducks swimming along the shore and a dog named Max that came to bark at me.

Okay, so, what does any of that have to do with anything? Is the family of ducks somehow an allegory for how Nick perceives how the Bush administration ducks responsibility? Is the sailboat in the backyard a metaphor for how America has run aground? Is Max the dog, in fact, Nick's representation of chickenhawks: all bark and no action? Am I giving Nick way, way, wayyyyyy too much credit here? Abso-freakin-lutely. The truth is he's just a terrible writer who can't stay on topic to save his withered old soul. So. . . NEXT!

That's when I noticed something I thought I'd never see on Bracketts Point: signs protesting a Republican president.

So, first off, Nick writes I am unfamiliar with Bracketts Point Road in Wayzata, so why would a protest sign be something he thought he'd never see? He's unfamiliar with Bracketts Point Road, but his preconceptions were apparently pretty firmly established.

Oh, and also, isn't it just so cute how Nick makes it seem like he just stumbled, by accident, into the driveway of a home sporting protest signs. Why, by gum, how's that for a coincidence? It's not like Nick specifically chose that house probably from 20 blocks down the street.

We live in strange times.

True, and as long as Nick continues to write professionally, we'll continue to live in strange times. Strange, fucked up, totally unfair times.

Bracketts Point is the heart of the Republican vineyard, a prestigious address in the state's most generous political gift-giving ZIP code (55391, which means Wayzata). The president's visit drummed up a half-million dollars for Republican congressional candidate Michele Bachmann. But a protest against George Bush here? That's like finding a Baptist information table at the Vatican.

Rrrrriiigght, because everyone in Wayzata is under lock-step GOP marching orders. Nick, you can also find Bush protesters in Texas if you look around. Just because an area votes heavily Democrat or Republican doesn't mean there aren't dissenters in the ranks.

I rang the doorbell and introduced myself to Betsy Hannaford, whose yard was sporting the protest signs. She said I shouldn't have been surprised. The Bracketts Point natives are growing restless.

So says Betsy Hannaford, so it must be true. Er, except for the $500k raised for Michelle Bachmann, but never mind that little detail. Betsy says the natives are restless, so that's that. That's the type of investigative reporting we've grown to know and love out of Nick Coleman.

Hannaford, 49, describes herself as "a reformed Republican." While her husband, Jule, has contributed to the campaigns of George Bush and Republican Sen. Norm Coleman, she, in recent years, has contributed mostly to Democrats, including to Amy Klobuchar's campaign for the U.S. Senate.

So, apparently, dissention in the ranks only applies to one-half of the Hannaford household.

She still calls herself a Republican. But she says she is a "reformed" one. And that the president has "reformed" her.

Oh, snap!

"I'm no longer voting that way," she said, meaning Republican. And she said she isn't the only "reformed" Republican.

Oh, she isn't, eh? There are others, are there? According to who? According to Betsy Hannaford, of course!

"People have issues with Mr. Bush," she said. "I think people are troubled by the war, his energy policies, a host of things. And his position on choice."

His position on choice? Why, just the other day, Bush was drafting proposed legislation dubbed the "Anti-Choice Initiative." Yeah, yeah, I know she probably meant abortion rights, or possibly gay marriage, or something. It's still poorly worded, and Nick could have asked for, you know, CLARIFICATION.

There are only a handful of homes along Bracketts Point, big homes with big lots sweeping down to big water where big boats stand ready.

Today's special word is: big. Look at all that big water, just standing there, being all BIG. And then look at that Nick Coleman brain, being all small.

But as far as Hannaford had heard, only two of her neighbors were hoping to see the president.

Uh, so, out of a handful of neighbors, two were hoping to see the President. I guess it depends on how big a handful is in Nick's mind, but two out of a handful doesn't sound like that bad of a percentage. You know what's sad? I learned to not report on a handful when you can do a quick count during my very first newspaper job. Here Nick is 56 and he still hasn't learned that lesson.

"I don't know anybody who's going," Hannaford said, nodding toward the end of the leafy peninsula that juts out into Lake Minnetonka between Smith and Browns Bays.

Oh, jeez. The leafy peninsula here is a metaphor for George W. Bush's hairy penis, effectively screwing America and dividing the country between the GOP Smith Bay and the Democrat Brown Bay. It's all so clear!

And now we get to the real gem of the article. You've been thinking all this time that Betsy Hannaford took the initiative to put out her BIG protest signs, but no. . .

The protest signs were made by Hannaford's daughter, Mary Connolly, a high school senior. "We Believe in Global Warming" one sign said. "You Should, Too," said the second.

Okay, Mary Connolly! *salute* I always listen to high school seniors, because they know SOOOOOO MUCH!

The cops wouldn't let Mary put up her polite signs until they could verify that she lived on Bracketts Point. Their heads probably are still spinning. A protest on the point.

Yeah, that's a real protest Mary's got going on there. Two signs. Gosh, I hope she doesn't get tazered during such a madhouse protest (or do I?).

Who'da thunk it?

Or, in Nick's case, when did he last think?

"I don't want to pay $5,000 to have my picture taken so I can have a Christmas card with George Bush's arm around me," said Mary. "And I won't be out there with cookies and lemonade, either. I'm passionate about global warming, and this administration has not recognized it is changing our weather."

Just a point of order here, but I wouldn't pay $5,000 to have my picture taken so I can have a Christmas card with George Bush's arm around me, either. Come to think of it, what the hell is a high school senior doing with enough money to even have that as an option? Kee-rist!

And, Mary, sweeheart? I'm pretty sure this administration recognizes that global warming is changing our weather; they're just questioning to what extent humans are further affecting a climate change that has been going on now for a few thousand years. Mmm-kay?

Something sure seems to be changing.

Yup, something sure seems to be changing in this neighborhood of which Nick Coleman is not, by his own admission, familiar with. "Never been here before, and I can't believe how much it's changed."

The Hannafords received four invitations to attend the $1,000 fundraising event. Two were phone calls from Bachmann, whose campaign in the Sixth District (which does not include Bracketts Point) was the target of the Bush visit. What did you tell Bach- mann, I asked Hannaford.

It was "the target" of the Bush visit. Not the location. Not the venue. THE TARGET. Good God.

"Nothing," she said. "I didn't talk to her. I never picked up."

Wow, now THAT's political activism! Well, according to Nick it is:

Not picking up your phone. Ouch. It's not scientific evidence, but maybe the polls are right: Bush and his policies are deep in doo-doo.

You read that right, folks. Nick Coleman, metro columnist for the Star-Tribune, the state's largest newspaper, wrote the phrase "deep in doo-doo." Not since the great Young Plukey column, where Nick wrote "his best rap is called "Son of Perdition," and it preaches a message of turning to the Bible and the Qur'an, or what have you" has Coleman wallowed in such pathetic literary backwash. Perhaps a close second was when he wrote: "What have we learned, class, about free speech after listening to Coulter call Democrats traitors to the country, threaten to give a Muslim student's name to homeland security and toss insults faster than a kid with a Dixie cup full of fish parts can toss herrings at a seal exhibit?" Any other columnist with that many groaners within a year would probably have a career that's deep in doo-doo, but not Nick. He's untouchable, much like his columns.

"My grandparents have been Republicans a long time," Mary Connolly said. "And they look aghast at the idea of going to see the president. We know a lot of people who, at one time, would have attended.

According to 18-year-old, high school senior, Mary Connolly so, again, it MUST be true!

"Now, they're looking around and asking:

Come on! Big Nick Coleman finish!

" 'Why would I?' "

Oooh! What punch! What style! What flair! Watch out for the flying doo-doo!

BIZARRO WORLD UPDATE: My evil doppleganger, LearnedFoot, also did a tap-dance on Nick's stupid column. The similarities are. . . disturbing.

ANOTHER UPDATE: Cyber-sleuth commenter, Joe, shares the following:

There's only 9 addresses on Bracketts Point Road, so having two of the neighbors hoping to see the president seems like a pretty good percentage to me.

Of course, fact checking has always been a weakness for Nick. The Hannaford home is actually in Orono, though the ZIP code is Wayzata. Pretty nice home, too - Hennepin county values it at over $2 million. No way Nick saw the ducks or the boat from the drive - the place is huge!

Nick also apparently missed the fact that Mr. Hannaford is a partner in a law firm that specializes in, among other things, helping big corporations structure benefit packages for corporate executives. I bet he's thrilled with this column.

UPDATED UPDATE: This appeared in my comment box. Not sure what to make of it, but it's apparently another example of Nick Coleman being a dismissive ass to legit concerns.

I am Elizabeth (Betsy) Hannaford. I live at 919 Park Avenue, Mahtomedi, MN 55115, e.hannaford@comcast.net.

I am the sister-in-law of the Betsy in Coleman's article. I am an Attorney at Law. I ASKED cOLEMAN TO PHONE ME SO THAT HE COULD WRITE A CORRECTION IN THE sTAR tRIBUNE. tHIS IS PART OF MY RESPONSE TO HIM CONCERNING THE FLIPPANT EMAIL I RECEIVED FROM HIM.

"Had you called, you would have been invited to visit me and my two dachshunds, Rumsfeld and Bismark at my 1870's cottage on White Bear Lake. You would have discovered that most of my friends do not feel the way that people "alledgedly" feel in the Brackett's Pt./Wayzata area do. You would have learned facts, not conjecture. And in fairness, you would have had the opportunity to coorect your misguided opinion of the twin cities community.

This past March, I attended a fundraiser for Congressman Kennedy. I got to know Mark and his family, who could not have been kinder or more gracious to me. When I spoke to Congressman Kennedy, at the State Fair this past Sunday, I had to explain that I was not the Betsy HANNAFORD IN YOUR COLUMN. hIS RESPONSE WAS "THAT WAS YOUR SISTER-IN-LAW, Oh...". You cannot imagine the sick feeling I experienced at that moment.

I am not some unhappy Republican. I think George Bush is the greatest President since Washington. In fact I am starting a web site. BushforRushmore.

Finally, your assumption that my step neice and sister-in-law and I are in conflict couldn't be further from the truth. I deeply resent the last sentence of your email.

Rumors are flying in White Bear Lake about me. I feel violated and wronged. I would like the chance to clear up the mistaken identity."

Posted by Ryan at August 23, 2006 06:45 AM | TrackBack