August 21, 2006

My Column From Two Weeks Ago

"Too Caught Up In The News" c. Ryan Rhodes, Aug. 10, 2006

I work within the walls of a very large, international corporation that specializes in high technology. I won't say, exactly, what that company is, except to hint that you can rearrange the letters to spell "BIM."

Now, working at BIM, I basically spend eight hours a day staring into a computer screen, which isn't necessarily as exciting as you might think. To keep myself informed about the world around me, I always keep at least one Web browser opened to a news site, such as

Something I've noticed about having round-the-clock access to breaking news with the click of a mouse is that I've gotten caught up on world events to an almost unhealthy degree.

For example, five years ago, if you had told me that some guy named Joe Lieberman lost a Connecticut primary election to some other Democrat named Ned Lamont, I would have responded with an exasperated "Who cares?" Well, in today's Internet world, I can confidently answer my own question. Apparently, EVERYBODY cares. It's the most important news ever to happen since the history of everything. It even trumps the news that Connecticut is spelled with a totally unnecessary, superfluous letter "c" tucked right there in the middle. Now, THAT'S news.

After filling up on all-Lieberman-news, all the time, I needed to takea break and find news that's, you know, actually interesting. And, as many of you know, I like to share that news with you, my valued readers, and Marisa Miller topless.

Last week, as the online world was focused on all things Lieberman, big and important things were happening elsewhere on the planet. Take Brazil, for example, where a man died after trying to open a grenade with a sledgehammer.

According to an Aug. 9 Reuters news report out of Rio De Janeiro, Brazil, "a Brazilian man died Tuesday when he tried to open what police believe was a rocket-propelled grenade with a sledgehammer in a mechanical workshop on the outskirts of Rio de Janeiro."

I used to hit rolls of caps with a hammer when I was a child. I'm guessing this was probably pretty similar, except, instead of the ringing in my ears I experienced, this guy experienced, um, death in his body. Okay, in retrospect, maybe our experiences weren't all that similar.

I can see you're losing interest in this column already. Clearly, you were interested in the political commentary and Lieberman, and all this talk about grenades and Brazil aren't what you want. You want politics. Fine, I have your politics RIGHT HERE!

According to another Reuter's news report, this one on August 10 out of New York, "a 'Presidential Bust' of U.S. Sen. Hillary Clinton was unveiled on Wednesday at New York's Museum of Sex, where sculptor Daniel Edwards hopes it will spark discussion about sex, politics and celebrity."

Because I am a bastion of journalistic integrity, I did what any good journalist would do, and I found an online picture of that sculpture. What can I say about it? Well, it's a sculpture. Of Hillary Clinton. And she's online/Smallville/Erica_Durance7.jpg">topless. Having viewed an image of the sculpture, I can confidently state that there's something deeply wrong with the art world today. DEEPLY WRONG!

So there's your news report from the second week of August. To recap: Joe Lieberman lost a Conne"C"ticut Democratic primary to another Democrat, Ned Lamont, and if you can't grasp the sheer enormity of this incredibly important news (like I can't) you really have no business being online; Brazillians open grenades using sledgehammers, with fairly horrifying mortality rates as a result; and out on theInternet, if you're willing to search for them, are pictures of a sculpture of a topless Hillary Clinton.

I really need to unplug from the Internet.

Posted by Ryan at August 21, 2006 08:40 AM | TrackBack


There was a Democrat primary in Connecticut?

Now, I question the timing on that; coming right before the Skybomb arrests in London and all.

Posted by: Rob@L&R at August 21, 2006 12:47 PM
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