June 21, 2006

Knifey News

There's a lot of talk about gun control in the United States today. Some people are all, like, "we have to control guns!" And other people are all, like, "leave my guns alone, man!" And the people who want to control guns are, like, apparently unaware that the people they're arguing with are probably armed with guns, so they should probably just pipe down.

Elsewhere in the world, however, guns aren't the problem. No, elsewhere in the world, the problem is knives, and swords, and other pointy-slashy things. And because I have absolutely no idea about what else to write about this week, I'm bringing to you, my valued readers, the first-ever installment of "Knives in the News," an in-depth analysis of knives and their impact on today's global community.

We turn our attention this week to Beijing, China, and a June 20, Reuters news report that informs us "a Chinese woman has been charged with accidentally killing her husband with a sword after he refused to make her dinner, the Shanghai Daily said on Tuesday."

Ah, yes, that old familiar tale about the accidental slaying by sword. We all have one of those stories tucked in our past somewhere. You were just cleaning it, and it went off. Or, you were just innocently swinging a sword, and by gosh if someone didn't just get in the way. You can't swing a dead cat. . . on a sword. . . um. . . without slaying someone. . . or a cat, or Emma Watson. . . I have no idea where I'm going with this.

"Police said Tang Xiaowan, 25, who has been practicing swordsmanship since she was young, had often forced her husband of three years at swordpoint to carry out her demands."

At what point in a marriage can you definitively state that the man has officially lost any and all say on every issue? Answer: when the following dialogue occurs:

"Carry out my will, or I shall slashify you!"

"Yes, dear."

We turn now to London, England--without even once making fun of the name "Tang"--where another June 20 Reuters news item reports that "children as young as 12 are still able to buy knives in British shops, despite months of publicity about fatal stabbings, a survey has found."

That's right, ladies and gentlemen, England now has so little to worry about, they've launched an all-out publicity war against KNIVES. Next, they plan to move on to fists, then feet. Mark my words, 20 years from now, England will consist entirely of a population with no hands or feet, and a new publicity war against teeth; which, now that I think about it, is pretty much already unintentionally underway.

"Children aged 12 to 14 were able to buy knives on 28 percent of attempts, according to the Trading Standards Institute (TSI)."

And what kind of horrid blades of death were these youths able to procure? Glad you asked!

"In Northamptonshire, two 13-year-old boys were sold knives on five out of 10 attempts. These included long-bladed kitchen knives and a Stanley box-cutting knife."

Oh NO! What if these dastardly demons intended to cook something or, Heaven forbid, cut a box?

"In Slough, a boy aged 12 and girl aged 13 bought a 10-piece knife set, two carving knives and a 20 cm bread knife."

You know what I think England needs? England needs an army of Chinese Tangs to go over there and show those British what's what.

Congresswoman Ellen Tauscher Endorses Hillary Clinton


The Hillary Clinton Campaign announced today the endorsement of California Congresswoman Ellen Tauscher, illustrating the continued growing support Senator Clinton has in the Golden State.

"America is ready for a leader who will end the war in Iraq and a president who will respect our Armed Forces and military families," said Rep. Tauscher. "Hillary Clinton is the candidate with the experience to lead our country and I'm confident she will make a great President. I am very proud to endorse her candidacy."

Congresswoman Ellen Tauscher is currently serving her sixth term and is Chair of the Strategic Forces Subcommittee, becoming only the third woman in history to Chair an Armed Services Subcommittee. Rep. Tauscher is also the first California Democrat to be elevated to an Armed Services Subcommittee Chairmanship since 1992. She is a leader on defense, homeland security, high-tech, transportation and veterans' issues and is known as one of Congress's leading experts on nuclear nonproliferation.

As a member of the House Armed Services Committee, Rep. Tauscher has taken an active role in foreign policy and national security. She has traveled to the Middle East five times since the start of the Iraq war, including three trips to Iraq, and has visited troops and foreign leaders in Afghanistan and other Central Asian countries while serving in Congress.

"I am honored to have the support of Congresswoman Tauscher," said Hillary Clinton. "In Congress she is a leader on many national defense and military issue, and is also a staunch advocate for working families, students and businesses."

Posted by Ryan at June 21, 2006 10:58 AM | TrackBack

Yeah, nobody can do any *real* harm with a boxcutter.

Posted by: DG at June 22, 2006 08:23 AM

Yeah, so they should be banned.

Posted by: Ryan at June 22, 2006 09:17 AM

Damn, I wrote a really nasty reply to this post, and then recanted, thinking that there's no way on earth that anyone could be such a fuckwit. But then, after deleting my entry, I re-read your rant and immediately regretted my compassion. You're a fuckwit! For your god's sake, get a grip (preferably on yourself).

Seriously, someone with such a slim grasp of the issues certainly has no right criticising those that actually get published - I wouldn't be surprised if Nick Coleman himself lampooned your posturing in his next thrilling instalment.

Posted by: simon at June 23, 2006 08:56 AM

Uhhhh? Simon? This was not a rant. This post was meant to be done in humor. Please, enlighten me as to what you took umbrage with here. I'd be delighted to know what it was in this entry that earned me the distinguished "fuckwit" status.

Posted by: Ryan at June 23, 2006 09:52 AM
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