March 23, 2006

Taking Fights To The Next Level

My girlfriend and I have been going out now for over three years, and I generally have very few complaints. I'm sure she has more than a few complaints about me, but that's just tough. She picked me and now she has to live with her poor decision-making.

We do, however, have our occasional fights. They never amount to anything big, mind you; they're more like bicker-fests. An example:

GIRLFRIEND: Did you put your clothes in the dryer?

ME: No, not yet.

GIRLFRIEND: Well, I want to do some laundry, so go put your clothes in the

ME: If you're going to do laundry, why don't you put my clothes in the dryer?

GIRLFRIEND: Because they're your clothes, not mine.

ME: But, you're going to be down in the basement anyway, right next to the washer and dryer, so is it really that big of a deal to put my clothes in the dryer for me?

GIRLFRIEND: That's not the point! The point is that they're your clothes, and you put them in the washer, so you should be the one to take them out.

ME: Tell you what: the next time I do laundry and I find your clothes in the washer, I'll put them in the dryer for you. We'll be even.

GIRLFRIEND: You'd probably just throw my clothes on the floor.

ME: It would cross my mind.

GIRLFRIEND: You need to buy a new washer and dryer!

ME: Where the heck did THAT come from?

GIRLFRIEND: You heard me!

ME: Well, yeah, I heard you, but I still don't know where that came from.

GIRLFRIEND: You're never going to buy a new washer and dryer, are you?!

ME: Fine! I'll go put my clothes in the dryer!

GIRLFRIEND: Oh, taking the easy way out, are you?! I can't believe you!

The thing about our bickering fights like this that bothers me most is just how completely unfulfilling they are. I mean, if we're going to dedicate ourselves to the effort of fighting, it seems to me that there should be more to them. Until last week, I was at a loss when it came to figuring out what's been missing from our fights. Thankfully, a Reuters news report out of Mexico City made me see how domestic squabbling should really play out.

According to the March 14 story, "a Mexican couple were recovering separately after a marital spat got out of control and saw them firing guns, throwing knives and hurling homemade bombs, Mexican daily Milenio said on Monday."

I'll pause for a moment so you can go back and read that paragraph a couple more times, because in my mind it's about the best thing written so far in 2006, if not in history. Let's examine it more closely. First off, we learn the couple is recovering separately, presumably because someone wisely ascertained that maybe, just maybe, putting them in the same recovery room together might be somehow. . . oh, I don't know. . . awkward?

Next, the altercation is referred to as "a marital spat" that "got out of control." I wonder, though, at what point it was officially considered out of control. Is knife-throwing covered under "marital spat" protection? Is gun play an indication that the spat has escalated? Surely the homemade bomb-hurling is considered out of control, but I just can't shake the feeling that it was probably out of control somewhat prior to that. But, don't let my speculation spoil this. I'll let the article speak for itself.

"Juan Espinosa and Irma Contreras fought until their house blew up in a homemade gasoline bomb explosion, Milenio said. Police called to the home in the indigenous Mayan Indian town of Oxkutzcab in the southeastern state of Yucatan arrested Espinosa. Contreras was taken to hospital with third-degree burns."

Now, here's a couple who knows how to squabble! If I had hurled a knife at my girlfriend when she asked me to do put my clothes in the dryer, things may have played out differently. And, honestly, if she had pointed a gun at me when I suggested she put my clothes in the dryer, she most likely would have gotten her way. And, if it all came down to a standoff with us wielding homemade bombs, I'm almost 100 percent certain I'd find myself at Menards, buying a new washer and dryer.

Yes sir, I think this should be how all our fights play out from this moment on!

"Espinosa told reporters he was glad his wife had suffered burns, while Contreras said she was only sorry she had not ‘hacked off his manhood' during the fight."

Then again. . . maybe not.

Posted by Ryan at March 23, 2006 10:02 PM | TrackBack

I now have this image of the two of you duking it out, Prizzi's Honor style, while the Menards theme song plays overhead.

A note: the new dryers are amazingly spacious. We just got a new one, and it's big enough to stuff a body into.

Not that I'm suggesting anything here.

Posted by: Keith at March 24, 2006 05:13 PM

When my little sister was 8 I stuffed her into an industrial dryer and turned it on. I later asserted this was her fault because, after I stuffed her in there and got the door closed, I held a quarter near the slot and grinned at her and she said, "I dare you!"

Somewhat to my surprise, her mom took my side.

I only left her in for a minute. Or so.

Posted by: Joshua at March 24, 2006 08:26 PM
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