October 16, 2005

It's Sunday, And Nick Coleman's Still An Idiot

As columnists go, you'd be hard-pressed to find any more moronic than Nick Coleman. This is a fairly well-established fact. But, sometimes, Coleman will write something so completely stupid, it even prompts me, the laziest weekend blogger in all of Blogger-ville, to rumble forth and fisk the man's complete idiocy on a SUNDAY.

A recent letter to the editor suggested that the Minnesota Vikings are cursed. Here's what is amazing: The letter was published before the Vikings plundered Lake Minnetonka.

Unless you've been living under a rock, on Pluto, wearing ear-muffs, you'll know that the Lake Minnetonka line is a reference to the now-infamous "Vikings Sex Cruise," which, though hilarious, has cast a dark pall over the Vikings' franchise, at least for those people who actually give a shit. Nick Coleman is one such person, and he believes the Vikings team should be disbanded, individuals flogged and clamped in irons in the public square.

Reader K. John Bradley traced the team's troubles to the day that Coach Mike Tice gave a Vikings jersey to George W. Bush during a 2004 campaign rally at Target Center that included a stirring attempt to make the knuckleheads of Minnesota throw off their liberal chains and put on bow-ties.

Nick Coleman does this sometimes. Okay, Nick Coleman does this ALL THE TIME. What the hell does being a conservative have to do with wearing bow-ties? Is the bow-tie now the replacement of the previous incarnation of all things evil and conservative: the fat cat?

At least Coleman admits that the state of Minnesota is awash in liberal ideology, to such an extent that we have such an inviting welfare system in place, people swarm in from Chicago and other locales to take advantage of low-income housing and other such pat-the-poor perks. Result? *gasp* A growing poor class in Minnesota, complete with all the crime and societal morass that that entails! We're not necesarilly helping the poor, but we sure make it a lot easier to BE poor. Well done, liberal Minnesota!

I wrote about this ill-fated mingling of politics and pigskin back then because it backfired: Minnesota voted Democratic by more than it had in 2000, and even Edina went blue.

Even Edina went blue! Oh, heavenly stars! EDINA! That crown jewel of. . . wait a minute. . . what the fuck? Who cares about Edina? More importantly, if I go back and check my calendar, I see that Bush still won re-election. If that's the result of an ill-fated mingling, I'll take mine with cherries on top.

I didn't blame Tice. The Vikings always welcome visitors heartily, be they presidents or exotic dancers. Nor did I blame Bush. He was just being a good sport, and the Vikings' troubles began way before he took the purple.

Oookayyy, so that pretty much negates everything that comes after that paragraph, but that doesn't stop Nick Coleman. No, Nick Coleman loves to set the bar nice and high so he can clothesline himself when he runs smack dab into it.

But we have had nothing but trouble ever since.

Yeah, they're the VIKINGS. We're talking about a team that trades Randy Freakin' Moss because he's a PR pain in the butt, but then the rest of the team goes and does something that makes Moss seem like an alter boy. We're used to this kind of thing with the Vikings.

Looking back, it would've been better for us if Tice just jimmied open an Egyptian crypt and pried a golden asp from a mummy's cold, dusty hands.

Did I mention that Bush won re-election?

Bush got his Vikings jersey on the eve of All Hallow's Eve (Oct. 30, 2004), a time of year when the ancient Celts believed spirits could slip through a crack in the universe and cause havoc on Earth.

You'd think a man like Nick Coleman, who is so adept at impromptu history lessons via Google, could go back just one year (just a few days after Oct. 30, 2004, in fact), and see that BUSH WON RE-ELECTION! Oh, the horrible, HORRIBLE curse!

Something sure spooked the Vikings: They have won only five times since that day - once this year and four times last season, including a wild-card playoff win over Green Bay before bowing out to Philadelphia.

Yeah, dammit! If Tice hadn't handed out that small-pox infested jersey, the Vikings SURELY would have won the Super Bowl!

The team is 5-11 since the Curse, a pitiful victory ratio of 31 percent.

Yeah, they're the VIKINGS! Without Randy Moss, our biggest threat and brightest (albeit pain in the ass) star. And Nick Coleman, moron that he is, was one of those insisting Moss should go.

But don't waste your worries on football. Bush didn't curse the Vikings. It could be the other way around: After all, a 31 percent success ratio is where Bush's ratings seem headed.

Which would maybe matter a little more, you know, if Bush were seeking re-election. But, as I think I may have pointed out here, BUSH WON RE-ELECTION, even after the "Curse."

What if there is a creepy connection between that Vikings jersey and Bush's misfortunes? What if it is a Vikings curse that has led to Bush's problems with Katrina, Iraq, earthquakes, Karl Rove and gas prices?

Wow. Just. . . wow. Let's see, Katrina is proving, more and more, to be a major case of media exaggeration. Iraq just voted on a referendum for its new constitution, with only extremely limited and basically unsuccessful violence. The recent earthquakes, as far as I know, didn't hit anywhere near the United States, and hasn't had much in the way of any political repercussions for the Bush administration. Karl Rove hasn't been indicted on ANYTHING, despite a rush to judgement by most of the media. And, just yesterday, I fueled up my car, and the price of gas was almost .50 cents less than it was a month and a half ago. Some fucking "Curse."

Maybe a Vikings jersey is the modern equivalent of a gnarled old monkey paw, a token of malevolence that brings only grief to its owner.

Maybe having Nick Coleman on your newspaper staff is the modern equivalent of having a three-year-old writing for you, a token buffoon who achieved his place in journalism largely through nepotism by marriage.

All I know is there sure seems to be something to this curse thing, and it seems to go the opposite way than our reader suggested.

Finally, a little honesty from Nick Coleman. He actually admits that that's all he knows. Granted, all he knows is entirely incorrect and stupid, but at least he's admitting that it's all he knows. Also, he seems to be suggesting that the Strib only has one reader, which may be entirely correct.

I don't even want to mention what happened in St. Paul when the mayor over there played footsie with the same dark forces.

Ah, so, the Bush Administration = dark forces. Duly noted oh unbiased one, thou non-monkey boy. Oh, hey, did I mention that Nick Coleman's brother, Chris Coleman, is running for St. Paul mayor? Did I mention that he's a Democrat?

Even the media have been off their game.

Yeah, for about 20+ years now. And, as long as Coleman is within their ranks, the media will continue to be off their game.

When Vikings quarterback Daunte Culpepper was irritated by questions about the boat cruise, he walked out of a news conference, snarling that he would only talk about today's game with the Chicago Bears.

Yeah, I know when people ask me about my past sexual endeavors, I just stand my ground and answer truthfully and honestly, with nary a hint of embarrassment or indignation.

Beyonce Knowles. Elisha Cuthbert . Mandy Moore topless. Kelly Clarkson. Rachel Hunter. Topless. Ann Coulter. Carmen Electra. Tina Fey. Jaslene. Jordin Sparks. Jenny McCarthy. Beyonce Knowles. Beyonce Knowles. Elisha Cuthbert . Mandy Moore topless. Kelly Clarkson. Rachel Hunter. Ahmo Hight. Ann Coulter. Carmen Electra. Tina Fey. Jaslene. Jordin Sparks. Jenny McCarthy. Beyonce Knowles. Beyonce Knowles. Elisha Cuthbert . Mandy Moore topless. Kelly Clarkson.

Not one of our local flowers of journalism had the wits to shout back:

OK, Culpepper: If the Bears took a boat cruise, do you think they'd make the crew want to jump overboard?

Yeah, that's what the reporters should have asked! Additionally, they should have asked similar dumbassed Nick Coleman-esque probing questions. Like, "OK, Culpepper, boxers or briefs?" "Okay, Culpepepper, is your pee pee hard right now?"

By the way, if Coleman is so incensed by the inaction of the local flowers of journalism, why didn't he attend the press conference and offer up his own Nick Coleman-inspired questions? If he's so mad that local journalists dropped the ball when it came to questioning Culpepper, what does it say about local flower Coleman THAT HE WASN'T EVEN THERE?

But don't cry for the Vikings. We have much bigger problems. Our purple curse has touched the president.

Oh, that's right. This column was about the President. Or was it about the Vikings? Or was it about bad local journalism? Or was it about Halloween? Or was it about a cursed jersey? Who fucking knows?! It's a Nick Coleman column. Like Seinfeld, it's about nothing. Only, unlike Seinfeld, it's not even remotely funny.

So Mr. President, please listen to Minnesota. We didn't vote for you, but we are pulling for you. And we beg you now: Burn your Vikings jersey!

Uh. . . huh. So, Coleman's pulling for the President, eh? Bullshit! *cough, cough* Bullshit! And, no, Minnesota didn't vote for Bush, but unless you didn't hear, BUSH STILL WON RE-ELECTION.

We already have disposed of ours.

Actually, I've been watching the game, and the Vikes are losing 14 - 3. And I'll be a love-hate Vikings fan no matter how many sex cruises they go on. Hey, they're the VIKINGS! This is the kind of season and scandal we've grown to know and love about them.

Posted by Ryan at October 16, 2005 02:10 PM | TrackBack

Here's a fun bit from a recent Nick Coleman article:

"To turn away requires a willful ignorance of the crushing costs of poverty, racism and the crime that stalk the poor."

What? Poverty stalking the poor? No way! Now that's a brilliant observation!

Posted by: at November 3, 2005 01:33 PM
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