October 12, 2005

Maybe Some Potty Talk Is What I Need

So, I just took a gi-normous poop. It was one of those bowel creations that can actually fill one with pride. It was so massive, in fact, that I carefully dropped the toilet paper around the specimen so that, when I stood up and turned around, I could inspect my work in its entirety, unimpeded by any visual distractions like toilet paper. It was truly gargantuan. I felt almost guilty about flushing it. Seemed like such a waste.

But, that's not the point of this post.

When I finally acquiesced to the pressing release needs of my digestive tract, I already really had to go. So it was a little bit irritating when I arrived at the bathroom, only to find both stalls already occupied. The only other bathroom on this floor is on the other end of the building, which, if you know the IBM Rochester facility, you know it's a good distance to hoof it. But, I really had to go, so. . .

About halfway there, I started wondering if I was going to make it. I even had to adjust my walking style to ensure no fecal escapees would attempt to jump the rectal fence. And I really started to worry that, upon arriving at the alternative bathroom, the stalls would be occupied. THEN what would I do? I mean, things were getting pretty dire.

And it occurred to me, as I entertained thoughts of possibly having to crap in a urinal, that human beings are the only animals on earth that actually have this problem. I mean animals, by and large, basically shit when and where they want. If you've ever passed a group of cows in the countryside, you'll see about 1/10 of them either pissing a stream or releasing large, ploppy masses on the ground, totally at ease with their public excretions. Now THAT'S freedom.

Now, I'm not advocating some sort of excremental anarchy for the human race. Of course not. That would be gross. The current system, as it stands, is both wise in terms of sanitation and societal acceptance. Still, it seems a touch unfair that we humans have set such restrictions on ourselves. Just minutes ago, I was in considerable discomfort, simply because we humans have dictated that there's a time and a place for expelling bodily waste, and those places sometimes exist entirely too far apart, particularly when the need for release is greatest.

I guess it just would have been nice if, during our evolution and rise to civilization, we humans had experimented with other options for bodily waste disposal.

I mean, consider our nearest genetic cousins, the primates. They share about 98.5 percent of our genetic make-up, yet monkeys are free to do simply fantastic things with their excrement. Visit any monkey exhibit in a zoo and, in addition to fornication that would make Hugh Hefner blush, they also fling poo with near reckless abandon. What is it about that 1.5 percent genetic differential that makes us so particular about where we deposit our waste?

Back in 1994, during a visit to the Ueno Zoo in Tokyo, my family and I were standing behind a large glass observation window overlooking the gorilla pen. Magnificent beasts, gorillas. Large and intimidating, with thoughtful-looking eyes. And a near-Freudian fascination with their own feces.

In just the 10 minutes of us standing there watching them, we saw gorillas pick deeply into their own anuses, roll little balls of poop in their hands and throw said balls at one another in what I could only surmise was a primitive form of balloon fight.

And then the gorilla handlers released the feared alpha-male, silver back gorilla into the pen, sending the lesser gorillas scattering and abandoning their poopy balloon war. The big silver back stood there proudly, alone in front of the admiring human throng behind the glass shield. He cut quite a fiercesome figure there in the gorilla pen. He was the master!

And to apparently prove his point, that proud, powerful silver back gorilla. . . cupped his right hand below his butthole, and proceeded to crap a very flourescent green soft serve into his awaiting mitt. Which he then placed, quite unhesitantly, into his own mouth.

There are some sounds that stick with you all your life and, let me tell you, the sound of over thirty Japanese onlookers groaning in disgust, with the audible retching of your brother mixed in for good measure, is one such sound.

For his part, the mighty silver back seemed quite pleased by the crowd reaction, and he continued to squish his own feces in his mouth for many more seconds, before I, too, turned away from the disgusting spectacle. To this day, I'm not sure whether that gorilla swallowed his poop or not, but I tend to suspect that he did.

Which, you know, GOOD FOR HIM! That gorilla was an innovator! A trailblazer for his kind! Several hundred genetic mutations from now, he and his ilk will inherit the earth, what with their larger brains and their ability to continually eat and recycle their own poop. Costly water treatment facilities will be an unheard of concept for gorilla sapiens, and all will have more than enough to eat. Hunger will be as alien to them as diapers and toilets.

And all because one brave silver back gorilla in a Tokyo zoo said "I'm going to try this," and ate his own green poop. Would that we humans had tried something like that during our own early development, we never would have had to worry about losing out to the gorilla sapiens 4 million years from now.

Posted by Ryan at October 12, 2005 02:57 PM | TrackBack

Got-Damn Dude.

That was truly disgusting.

Also... RE:
"I felt almost guilty about flushing it. Seemed like such a waste."

Well, next time take a picture before you flush, and send it to ratemypoo.com

Posted by: Strider at October 13, 2005 09:48 PM

Sadly, I didn't have a camera handy, and I usually don't when taking a crap at work.

And I really tried to capture the moment of that gorilla ingesting his own shit, but I really don't think I did an adequate job. The shit was just. . . so. . . GREEN! And the gorilla seemed so. . . PROUD!

I won't say it ranks up there with catching my parents having sex a couple of times, but it ranks right up there.

Posted by: Ryan at October 13, 2005 11:16 PM

I take it you're not so busy at work right now?

Posted by: simon at October 14, 2005 05:22 AM

"excremental anarchy" - great name for a band !

Posted by: Derek at October 14, 2005 07:48 AM

It was fecalicious!

*shit-eating grin*

Posted by: Gary Gorilla at October 15, 2005 04:54 AM
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