September 19, 2005

My Interview With Daunte Culpepper

If you're not a Minnesota Vikings "fan," this post won't mean dick, unless your name is Dick. Anyway, I scored an interview with Daunte Culpepper following the most pathetic football game in modern history. And, keep in mind here that we're talking about the Vikings, which seem to have the market cornered when it comes to pathetic football games.

ME: So, ummmm, the Bengals, huh?

DAUNTE: Hey, those are big cats!

ME: So, ummmm, FIVE interceptions?

DAUNTE: Arthritis.

ME: So, ummmm, the whole Randy Moss trade. . .

DAUNTE: Hey, talk to Tice on that one.

ME: So, ummmm, what about this improved defense?

DAUNTE: Well, 38 points isn't 40, is it? Baby steps, man, baby steps.

ME: So, ummmm, the Bengals, huh?

DAUNTE: Didn't we already cover this? Big cats! Helloooooo!

ME: So, ummmm, an 0-2 start, huh?

DAUNTE: Yeah? So? Same with the Packers!

ME: Did you really just equate the Vikings with those cornholing Packers?

DAUNTE: Maybe.

ME: Is it perhaps time to give Brad Johnson another chance at starting?

DAUNTE: I'm bigger than he is.

ME: True, but he's also the only quarterback in history to actually complete a pass to himself for a touchdown. I was at that game, so I know stuff.

DAUNTE: You and fuckin' Nick Coleman.

ME: I think he even has a Super Bowl ring from his stint with the Buccaneers.

DAUNTE: Who? Nick Coleman?

ME: No, dipshit. Brad Johnson.

DAUNTE: Oh, right.

ME: So, do the Vikings actually intend to win a game this year?

DAUNTE: Well, you can never really plan on that, but it'd be nice.

ME: You'd think if you were to win any game, any game at all, it would be against the Bengals.

DAUNTE: Okay, listen, if you can't understand the concept of big cats, I don't think we can continue this interview.

*Daunte storms out of my brain*

Posted by Ryan at September 19, 2005 11:03 AM | TrackBack

I listened to / watched the entire game. At first I was frustrated, then pissed off, but by the time we had our 4th turnover and were down by 20+ points I just started to view it as a comedy, and damn did I ever enjoy the rest of the game. Daunte, you're one silly bitch!

Posted by: Rick at September 19, 2005 11:55 AM

Culpepper's an enigma to me. He's got the sizes and skill to do it but then he does really, really stupid stuff like scrambling right into a sack or flipping the ball forward to get picked off.

I'm a happy camper because I kept Donovan McNabb in as my starting quarterback on my lone fantasy team and he absolutely SMOKED the Niners. And TO had his fun too.

Posted by: Johnny Huh? at September 19, 2005 12:35 PM

I'm glad you didn't ask him what his one-word philosophy was.

"I'm big, I'm dumb, and I have hands like teflon. What's my name?"

Posted by: Keith at September 19, 2005 04:22 PM

And how many months ago did he let some kid think he was giving him his bling-bling for the photo-op and then hunted the kid down to get it back?

Culpepper's a douchebag.

Posted by: Johnny Huh? at September 20, 2005 12:52 PM
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