August 18, 2005

Nick Coleman: The River still runs the show in Minnesota

For a minute there, I was hopeful that Minnesota might do the right thing. Not a chance. Even from beyond its banks, the Minnesota River is pulling the strings.

The Dakota indians, a group of indigenous people responsible for the Sioux Uprising of 1862--killing 450 German immigrant farmers--named the Minnesota River which eventually gave rise to the name of the state itself. After almost two centuries since becoming a state, it still stubbornly maintains its offensive name.

What's even worse, the state's football team, the Minnesota Vikings, is a shameless marriage of two competing racial defamations against the Sioux nation and the Scandinavian boatsmen who may or may not have settled in the area. I guess I don't really know. I'm just mad at everything in general, because I have a bad hip.

The NCAA has ruled that 18 schools have nicknames that are offensive. The criteria for this is questionable, not unlike my writing ability. I mean, where's the outrage against such military equipment as the Apache helicopter, or IBM's Apache software, or the Jeep Cherokee? And why do we continue to have states with names like, well. . . Minnesota, or North and South Dakota, or Iowa, or Illinois, or Wyoming (I mean, Cheyanne? Hello?!!). Why do we continue to use terms like "skunk," or "chipmunk," or "opossum?" Why not "Stinky Striped Cat," or "Tiny Squirrel," or "Animal That Pretends It's Dead?"

Come to think of it, why does the Sacajawea dollar coin have to feature an indian female and her baby? That's just wrong. What's even more wrong is that Americans are refusing to embrace the offensive coin because, obviously, Americans are racist and won't embrace anything indian-related. Except for nicknames and mascots and state names and I have no idea where I'm even going with all this, but it all sure makes me mad as hell.

Under the NCAA's new policy, no Indian logos or nicknames may be used in post-season play after Feb. 1, 2006, which really sucks for Minnesota schools because it means every Minnesota flag is going to have to be altered to get that racist depiction of an indian off of there.

Oh, and did you hear that the federal mint plans on bringing back the buffalo nickel? How totally offensive is that? We wipe out the buffalo, and now we commemorate it? Gosh darn it, I'm so mad right now, my glasses are about to crack. Again, I'm not sure why I'm so mad, but it sure feels like I have to mad about something all the time, or I don't feel right.

And while I'm at it, I want to express my anger at bloggers again. I just have a hard time looking favorably on free speech and free press when it's granted to people other than myself. Man that irks me. Anyway, I'm getting characteristically off topic here. Where was I? Oh, yes, indian bloggers.

Er, wait. I mean indian nicknames and mascots and logos. That's what I'm mad at. Man I hate those things.

Nick Coleman is at

Posted by Ryan at August 18, 2005 12:46 AM | TrackBack

You are a genius.

Posted by: Keith at August 18, 2005 11:21 AM
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