Rambling Rhodes: Good-Bye, Atkins!

August 10, 2005

Good-Bye, Atkins!

Now that the industry that sprang up around the Atkins diet is experiencing its own version of the dot.com bubble pop, I feel it's only appropriate that I express a certain amount of glee. So, here goes:

HA HA! See ya later, Atkins! Make room for the next fad diet that sounds too good to be true and probably is but people will flock to it anyways, because people are gullible and stupid and don't want to exercise because they think they're above such nonsense as physical exertion so they cling desperately to any idea that promotes their sedentary lifestyle!

Man, after that record-breaking run-on sentence, I need a low-carb milkshake or something.

And, yes, I realize that the Atkins diet "worked" for some people, keeping in mind that my definition of "work" here means that they may have shed a few pounds, at the expense of about fifteen or so hopelessly clogged arteries.

The thing about Atkins, and really any fad diet, is that it ran counter to one of the fundamental rules of human existence. Namely, you can't tell humans what they can and cannot eat because, eventually, they'll end up craving exactly what it is you tell them they cannot eat.

Consider Atkins. The appeal of Atkins was that it told a diet-weary world that it could eat all the taboo items forbidden by every other diet. You want steak? Have at it! You want burgers? Eat away! You want to stalk a buffalo, cut it down, and eat its still-warm liver? Here's a spear!

But, you can't eat bread. Bread is bad. Bread is poison, the dietary equivalent of eating lead-based paint chips. And no noodles. Noodles are bad. Noodles are evil, the dietary equivalent of playing high stakes poker with Satan in a Las Vegas brothel.

And, for awhile, the world rejoiced in this revolutionary dietary thinking. After all, the world had been gorging itself on bread and noodles for so long, the world figured "I'll never miss bread and noodles." The world is stupid like that.

Inevitably, eventually, someone, somewhere, while eating their 832nd hamburger without a bun, suddenly realized that they kind of missed that handy bun. And then, somebody else suddenly realized that a sandwich just isn't a sandwich, without the tangy zip of. . . FREAKIN' BREAD! And then, somebody else, probably in Italy, realized that spaghetti and meatballs, without spaghetti noodles, is just meatballs.

In other words, the world woke up one day and realized it was sick and tired of eating meat without a dinner roll. It was sick and tired of eating pizza without the crust. It was sick and tired of watching Garfield waste away to nothing thanks to a lack of noodles in his beloved lasagna.

Yes, the world remembered that bread and noodles, in addition to being useful dinner components, are also incredibly tasty.

The Atkins diet industry, realizing the world was waking up from its protein-induced slumber and demanding a return of bread and noodles, started churning out. . . wait for it. . . low carb bread and noodles!

And it was at that point that the world did a collective cocker-spaniel-like quizzical head tilt. Weren't bread and noodles off limits? Aren't they a cornerstone taboo of the whole idea of Atkins? Isn't the Atkins Diet now kind of like, you know, eating normally? How is this a diet, exactly?

Besides all that, the world asked "aren't low carb bread and noodles outrageously expensive compared to traditional bread and noodles?"

Which brings me to another fundamental rules of human existence: people will not pay outrageous prices for freakin' bread and noodles, because bread and noodles are, well. . . BREAD AND NOODLES!

So, today, you have a world reverting back to its traditional feedbag ways, happily eating carb-packed bread and noodles once again, eagerly awaiting the next fad diet that touts the pound-shedding wonders of crack cocaine and pure caffeine, or something equally unrealistic.

Personally, I'll continue to eat pretty much whatever I want to eat, while working off those extra calories through weekly exercise.

It's a crazy concept, I know.

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Posted by Ryan at August 10, 2005 12:09 AM | TrackBack

Comments

Amen to that. People just need to exercise. Lazy fucks.

Posted by: Rick at August 10, 2005 11:33 AM

I don't think you're giving enough credit to the appetite-surpressing powers of caffeine and crack cocaine. Plus, teeth-grinding burns up a lot of calories.

Posted by: flamingbanjo at August 10, 2005 12:25 PM

Don't forget cigarettes, those things are like Powerbars but without any calories at all. And they cover up BO stink you might have too.

Yeah, I love watching the fad diets come and go and fat people still wondering why they're fat when they sit around on their asses all day.

Get up, get out and get your blood moving. It feels good, it is good and damned if the couch couldn't use a break from your fat ass too.

Now, if you'll excuse me, I'm off for my lunchtime bike ride.

Posted by: Johnny Huh? at August 10, 2005 02:08 PM