July 05, 2005

I Get Spam At Work

I'm going to quickly fisk a spam I just received, because I can, and because Fisking Spam would be a great name for a rock band.

Dear sir/ma.

So, it's either addressed to the sirs of this world, or his mother.


I wish the best in life for you and your family, and I hope you will receive this mail in good spirit and respond quickly with ultmost secrecy and confidentiality.

I'm all about secrecy and confidentiality, so I'll only post this spam on my blog once. That's it. I promise.

I got your address through my professional relationship in discharging my duties for my government.


My name is COL. Steve john Kabwe and I was the chief of security and operations for former president (sani abacha of nigeria).

A Nigerian named Steve?

Please protect this mail for the safety of my life and that of my family to avoid us being ortured or killed by his left behind secret agents.

Consider your e-mail protected! Except for it appearing on my blog, I mean. Sorry about that. Left behind secret agents? But. . . but. . . what about Nigeria's famous "No Agent Left Behind" initiative? What happened to that?

Please i humbly beg you from the bottom of my heart to listen very carefully, the situation in my country is very critical and chaos, uproar and hostilities had brought the country to its knees and from intelligent report the center cannot hold anymore for former president sani abacha and his government.

The situation is so dire, in fact, that rambling, incoherent, run-on sentences have become rampant! That settles it, I must assist Col. Steve John Kabwe with whatever it is he requires of me!

The intense pressure from united states, united nations, international community and west African peace keeping to [Ecomog] had made him [fomer president sani abacha] before he died as gone on exile and also pressure to face war crime charges against humanity.

Wow. Abacha's not just facing war crime charges, he's facing war crime charges against HUMANITY! They dropped the charges of war crimes against bovines and war crimes against simians, apparently. As an aside, Ecomog sounds like some sort of organic-grown coffee. Enjoy a hot cup of Ecomog today. Mmmm, mmmm. . . Ecomog.

Listen very carefully, you know my country nigeria is very rich with crude oil, and with my position as former chief of security and operations I have accumulated so much crude oil which I had sold to generate close to $32 Million over the years and it is this fund that I want to move to you for safe keeping.

It's a good thing he managed to sell that crude oil, because all those horded barrels made it impossible to park his car in the garage. Also, notice that he apparently accumulated all that oil thanks to his position as FORMER chief of security and operations.

The fund are in boxes in dollar denomination and it would be sent you through diplomatic courier service with your name as the beneficiary within few days. Please would you do me a favour to receive this fund for me? Else the government in power will seize the fund and plunder it.

Dude, you have $32 million in DOLLAR denominations? WTF? Ever heard of a $100 bill? I love the polite language in the second sentence: Please would you do me a favour. Well, since he said "please," I guess I feel obligated.

If you are capable and know that you will truly and honestly help me, write me now, time is no more on my side. I will give you 30% of the fund and I will come to your country to take my part. Extend a friendly hand and help me.

I don't know, man, all those boxes of $1 bills might raise a few eyebrows around the neighborhood. Wait, I'll just say they're full of grass clippings. Yeah, that's the ticket.

Please bear in mind that this fund is not a looted or stolen money but rather a hard earned money generated.

Yeah, that he earned through embezzlement, if I read him correctly above, but maybe that's considered okay in Nigeria. I'm not familiar with Nigerian culture, so I don't know for certain.

Pls if you are willing to help kindly forward to me your personal detail to enable me reach you this includes.

1. Your full names

Ryan Carroll (shut up) Rhodes. Come to think of it, I don't have any other full names other than that, although I used to pretend my name was Zakron StarThruster, of the planet "Groktavia," but that was more of a childhood thing. Okay, that last part I made up completely, because I wanted to take your mind off my middle name.

2. Your residential address

Yeeeaaaahhhh, I don't think so. I hardly know you, Steve. $32 million in $1 bills is a lot of money and all that, but I think I'll hold on to my small scrap of my anonymity for now.

3. Your occupation

Managing Editor, IBM eServer Magazine - zSeries Edition

4. Premable about yourself (marital status)

Steve, Steve, Steve. You're going about this all wrong. Try eHarmony.com.

5. your phone number and fax number

Again, Steve, I have to decline.

I urgently await your reply via my this address:
Yours Sincerly,
Col. Steve Kabwe

Good luck to you, Col. Steve. Good luck to you.

Dark Knight. Heath Ledger. Batman. The Joker. Dark Knight. Heath Ledger. Batman. The Joker. Dark Knight. Heath Ledger. Batman. The Joker.

Posted by Ryan at July 5, 2005 11:27 AM | TrackBack

I assume you've heard of this? Evidently scam baiting (or "spam baiting") is becoming a popular pastime for bored geeks all over the world. There's clubs and stuff.

Posted by: Joshua at July 5, 2005 12:06 PM

I used to read a blog by a girl called River that got one of these Nigerian spammers to send her pictures of himself holding a car that said something like "River is my master" and pouring a glass of milk out.

She was hot. And funny. Her last trick was to get a few hundred guys to post pictures of themselves holding signs that said "I want to have sex with River" and then she posted some of the more pathetic ones (usually the guys that asked her to keep it on the down low so their wives didn't find out). Did I mention she was hot? Yeah. And she would write posts while drunk sometimes and that made me laugh.

Posted by: Johnny Huh? at July 5, 2005 02:58 PM

And her domain was registered to Odin Soli.

Posted by: Joshua at July 5, 2005 04:18 PM


Posted by: Ryan at July 5, 2005 04:40 PM

Ouch, that was a well placed barb! Hehehe.

Posted by: Johnny Huh? at July 5, 2005 05:22 PM

Hey Ryan, If he replies let him know I wouldn't mind 32 mil in dollar denominations. I'm okay with that.

Posted by: Desult at July 5, 2005 07:10 PM

But would you mind 32 million dollars in pennies?

Posted by: Johnny Huh? at July 6, 2005 12:33 PM
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