June 30, 2005

Babies In The News

For those of you familiar with this blog, you know that I sometimes, occasionally, perhaps regularly, engage in potty talk. Potty talk is, to be perfectly honest, my default mode of communication, and it has served me well.

But, today, I'm going to engage in baby talk, rather than potty talk, because babies have been big news over the past week or so.

Again, for those of you familiar with this blog, you know that I'm about to take the lazy blogger's way out and treat you to news excerpts from assorted media outlets while interjecting my own whimsical commentary.

For our first first bout of baby-related news, we travel, of course, to Texas, a state that has been heavily featured here before, both because Texas is a large state with a lot of people, and because a lot of those same people are arguably not that bright. With apologies to Mandy and Tammy, and many other readers I'm sure.

From a June 28 Fox News report, we learn that "An East Texas college student finally learned why she'd gained weight and was having abdominal pain — she was about to give birth."

Now, stories such as this aren't all that unique. Girls have given birth without realizing they were pregnant before. What makes this story fantastic is that the girl in question, 19-year-old Annie Cohen, was already a mother of a three-year-old, so one would expect she'd have picked up on the pregnancy cues with a little more skill.

What also makes this story fantastic is the sheer number of astounding quotes featured in the article; quotes such as:

After the delivery, Annie Cohen ran inside, yelling at her mother to call 911. "I said 'Why?'" recounted Julie Cohen (the mother). "She said, 'There's a baby in the yard.' I said, 'Whose is it?' She said, 'It's mine.'"

One could almost imagine this Einstein-inspired conversation going on into infinity. In fact, let me try:

Yours? Yes, mine. As in, your baby? Yes, my baby! So, you're pregnant? No, not any more! Because you gave birth? Yes, in the yard! So, there's a baby in the yard? Yes, my baby! Because you were pregnant, but not any more? Mom, knock it off!

But even my wondrous imagination can't compete with the actual additional quotes featured in this article.

"It was like a natural instinct," marveled her mother. "She knew to push to turn the baby's shoulder and to get the baby out."

Yes, her daughter exhibited the natural instinct of childbirth, except for, of course, picking up on nine months of pregnancy signals. One wonders how this mother/daughter duo couldn't ascertain that a pregnancy was in the works. Thankfully, the observant mother offered up her own personal explanation.

"It's a big surprise," said Julie Cohen. "I thought she was just really liking her pizza."

We travel now, thankfully, away from Texas, over to Milwaukee, Wis., where, according to a June 29 CNN.com report: Weighing in at 13 pounds, 12 ounces, Delaney Jessica Buzzell isn't your average newborn. Her parents have even dubbed her the "Big Enchilada."

Nothing helps a child's self esteem better than having their mother and father make fun of their weight just minutes into their worldly existence. That's bad enough, but when even the nurse chimes in. . .

"It was ready for a steak," the nurse said. "It had quite an appetite."

Poor Delaney. I can almost imagine the thoughts going through that newborn's massive head.

"Okay, okay, I get it. I'M A BIG BABY! Please, knock it off with the big baby jokes already. Har har. Big Enchilada. Yeah, THAT will go over well on the playground a few years from now. Guys will just be clamboring to take the Big Enchilada to prom, I'm sure. Thanks for dooming me to a lifetime as a social pariah, everyone. I appreciate that."

And that wraps up today's installment of baby talk. Join me again next post when I'll try to get back to my regularly-scheduled potty talk. See you then.

Here's a list of famous women I'm posting to boost Web traffic: Christina Aguilera. Jessica Alba. Lindsay Lohan. Tina Fey.. Carrie Ann Moss. Kate Hudson. Summer Glau. Jennifer Love Hewitt. Jennifer Connelly. Christina Aguilera. Jessica Alba. Lindsay Lohan. Jessica Alba. Jenny Garth. Jenny Garth. Alyssa Milano. Alyssa Milano. Kate Hudson. Summer Glau. Jennifer Love Hewitt. Jennifer Connelly. Evanna Lynch. Evanna Lynch. Evanna Lynch.

Posted by Ryan at June 30, 2005 01:38 AM

My sister had a raging case of undiagnosed gestational diabetes with her first daughter, so the baby was almost eleven pounds. It's been sixteen years and the fat baby jokes haven't run out yet. Just when we thought they were running dry, she was finally allowed to date. Now we have a whole new captive audience in her boyfriends. She especially likes it when we drag out the pictures of her in the NICU with rolls of fat on her back. We're a very loving family, in case you couldn't tell.

Posted by: Lindsay at June 30, 2005 12:39 PM
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