May 25, 2005

The Political Plight Of Philip Buster

The month of May was a time of great political strife in Washington D.C. Democrats clashed with Republicans in a battle of wills between the scrappy and eternally whiney minority party and the majority minions of the dark overlord, Karl Rove.

Caught in the middle of this political clash of titans was the up-until-recently relatively unknown politician by the name of Philip Buster.

Until May rolled around, Philip Buster was just an aging politician, known by both Democrats and Republicans as the old codger who sat towards the back of the Senate chamber who would occasionally engage in incredibly long and boring soliloquies that, though uncommon, were known to disrupt Congressional voting proceedings.

"I really don't understand what all the fuss was about," said Mr. Buster, during an exclusive interview with me last week. "It reminded me of that time, wayyyyyy back, I think it was in 1938, or maybe it was 1947. . . can't really recall. I remember that my wife at the time, Mabel, was having a tough time with the gout. She couldn't get around fer nothing. Anyway, where was I? Oh, yeah, this whole uppity-up between the political parties about me this month. Wasn't that just something else? I couldn't figure out what they were all worried about. Actually, it made me remember that big thunderstorm back during The Great Depression, which, wasn't that a funny name for the Depression? There was nothing great about it, and. . . "

Through his long and undistinguished career as a party-independent representative of the American people, Philip Buster has attracted the ire of both Democrats and Republicans. During the Clinton administration, for example, many Democrats went on record, speaking against Philip Buster, saying that his presence in the Senate could disrupt voting on judicial nominees.

“I would object and fight against any Philip Buster on a judge, whether it is somebody I opposed or supported,” said Sen. Patrick Leahy (D-VT), back in June of 1998.

Mr. Buster recalls Leahy's comments with a nostalgic air today, saying "Oh that Leahy! What a character! Can he spin a yarn or what? Back when he was a boy, and I was just an old man, as opposed to the old, old, old man I am today, he used to sit on my lap and tell me all sorts of goofy little stories. You gotta love the mind of a child, there's so much imagination going on in there. Anyway, I didn't take his comments all that seriously back in 1998, because that was the style at the time, not unlike the style of the 1920s when you think about it. . ."

This time around, however, it was the Republicans who were looking to show Philip Buster the door. With a majority rule working for them in both the House and the Senate, the Republicans were eager to remove any potential impediment to President Bush's federal judge nominees, and they certainly didn't want to see Philip Buster shuffling his way slowly to the front of the Senate chamber to inflict upon the assembly longwinded tales about nothing at all.

The crises over Philip Buster subsided, however, after a deal was reached between the two parties which would allow Mr. Buster to remain in Congress. The Democrats saw the deal as a victory, while some Republicans felt betrayed by the leadership of their own party for allowing the deal. As for Philip Buster, he was optimistic overall.

"Oh, those Republicans will get over it," said Mr. Buster. "They're a good bunch of guys and gals. I sure did appreciate the Democrats going to bat for me though. That took moxie. Reminded me of that one time when I went fishing with Howard Taft. I fell plumb out of the boat, but that Taft, rotund as he was, he managed to fish my fool self out of that frigid water and back into the boat. We didn't catch much that day, crappies mostly, and a few perch. Oh, and I caught a cold, thanks to that frigid water and such. Of course, back then, catching a cold could have meant yer death, so I was kinda' worried. But, I got better and. . ."

UPDATE: Oh my God, I'm thinking like the people at The Onion.

Posted by Ryan at May 25, 2005 11:30 AM
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