May 05, 2005

Getting Twiggy With It

Within the next few weeks, my girlfriend will have officially moved in with me. I have mixed feelings on this, by which I mean I'm not looking forward to it much at all. But, like a car stalled on train tracks, with a train just a block away and closing fast, there's not much I can do about it.

Much of her stuff has already been moved in. Many of her pictures and paintings now adorn the walls, lamps chosen for aesthetics rather than pragmatism have replaced the $10 K-Mart floor lamps I bought last year. Not that I'm bitter or anything.

It's just that I'm not much on cozy decorations and things. I'm indifferent to bare walls, and I certainly see no reason in the world to hang plants indoors. I mean, all I have to do is look out the window, where there are hundreds, if not thousands of plants that are doing just fine, and I don't even have to water them or anything.

But, it seems to make her happy to decorate my house, and I guees so long as she's happy, she won't bother me while I play my video games. It seems like a pretty fair trade, I guess.

Still, there are indications that having her under the same roof will bring with it a certain amount of domestic tension.

For example, last weekend, Saturday morning, we were awoken by the sounds of my two cats making unusual noises in the living room. One thing about owning cats is that you become attuned to common cats noises and uncommon ones. These were uncommon noises, so my girlfriend got up to investigate. For my part, since it was 8 a.m., I was under my strict personal policy of not getting out of bed on a weekend until at least 11 a.m., unless there's a fire or tornado, and even then there's a good chance I won't get out of bed.

"AHHHH!" screamed Mel from the living room.

"What?!" I yelled back, concerned, but not concerned enough to get of bed.

"Bad kitties!" she screamed.

"What?!" came my response.

"I can't believe you bad kitties!"


"I hate you kitties!"


"Stop saying what!"


"Come out here, if you want to know what!"

"It's 8 a.m., so no way! What?!"

"The kitties knocked over my twig!"

Now, there are times when you can't possibly imagine you heard someone correctly. Sometimes, a person may mumble something that has to be repeated, or maybe an accent is thick enough to make for problematic conversation. But, I was almost 100 percent certain she had said "the kitties knocked over my twig." But, that couldn't be right. That just makes no sense.

"They ruined my twig! All the berries fell off!" came a mournful wail from the living room. "Ooh, I just want to kill those kitties!"

After a brief cooling down period, my girlfriend returned to the bedroom, and told me all about her beloved twig with the dried berries that she's been carefully keeping for over five years. It was a twig she put high up atop a coatrack, presumably out of reach of the cats. She presumed wrong.

As a guy, the concept of falling in love with a branch just never had really occurred to me. But, she was obviously distraught, so I could only presume she paid a significant amount of money for her twig. She informed me that she acquired the branch as part of a package of goods, goods that cost her a grand total of $20, including the branch.

It was at that point that I started laughing uncontrollably, which didn't go over too well with my girlfriend.

So, yeah, this moving in thing. . . it should be interesting.

Posted by Ryan at May 5, 2005 05:01 PM

You're just asking for a midnight punch in the head. Do NOT mock women about their decorating.

Posted by: Keith at May 6, 2005 09:12 AM

Oh man, she was upset and you started laughing at her? Dude, if she were Brazilian or Venezualan, I'd be out in the shrubs outside your bedroom helping the paramedics look for your severed wanker.

My best example of the difference between girls and boys is about cleaning the floor. To my wife, the floor isn't clean unless she's scrubbed it by hand. To me, it isn't clean if my feet stick to it when I walk across it.

Posted by: Johnny Huh? at May 6, 2005 11:00 AM

Mr. Rhodes, you have been tagged. Thus, according to the ancient rules carved into the great stone meme tablet, you must respond or risk seven years of never saying the right thing around your girlfriend or laughing at her at the wrong time. Tremble in fear!

Posted by: Johnny Huh? at May 6, 2005 11:28 AM

"They ruined my twig! All the berries fell off!"


Posted by: Lindsay at May 6, 2005 02:27 PM

Heh. Twig and Berries.

Posted by: David Grenier at May 6, 2005 02:33 PM

by which I mean I'm not looking forward to it much at all.

Dude, you don't really have a girlfriend, do you? Tell the truth.

Posted by: Joshua at May 6, 2005 06:10 PM

I'm not looking forward to it primarily because there's not a lot of room in this house until I finish the basement. Closet space is basically nonexistent, and this girl is a freakin' clothes hog. Plus, when it comes to personalities, it's the irresistable force meets the immovable object. We need our space, is what I'm saying. Finishing the porch will be a start, but only through the summer and fall.

Posted by: Ryan at May 6, 2005 10:06 PM

"Ooh, I just want to kill those kitties!"

C'mon Ryan, get real - who actually talks like that? What are you, living in a Loony Tunes?

Posted by: simon at May 10, 2005 06:05 AM


Yeah, I made it all up. Melissa never refers to the cats as kitties. In fact, Melissa is actually a man. No, wait, she's a cyborg.

Come on, Simon. More people talk like Melissa than you'd think. Then again, in Australia, maybe that's not the case.

Posted by: Ryan at May 10, 2005 08:41 AM

Well no, Ryan, people don't talk like that here - normal people, anyway. 'Kitties' tends not to be a word used when the red mist descends and the subjects' lives are threatened, in circumstances such as the wanton destruction of household ornaments however crap they may be. 'Kitties' is a term of affection, and it's use in this context is inappropriate. As someone with mad writing skillz you should know this.

Posted by: Simon at May 12, 2005 05:57 AM

Simon, since we've had these cats since they were kittens, it's just kind of become common for us to refer to them as "kitties." That could change the older they get, but it's pretty much how we refer to them all the time right now.

Posted by: Ryan at May 12, 2005 10:09 AM

If you ask my wife, all cats are "Kitties" or "Kittens". I think if she encountered a lion in the jungle she would simply say "Ohhh ... look at the kitty".

And, for those interested

Posted by: david at May 12, 2005 12:53 PM

LOL...a twig. I'm only having a bad day if the kitties piss anywhere. Then do I want to tear my hair out.

Actually, and their brothers, one chews cardboard and the other likes to eat plastic. I think they are really dogs in kitty disguise.

But yeah, If I were your girl, there would have to be a trade off for the video games. Sorry, buddy. I'd go mad watching that shite day in and day out. How do I know? Well, let's just say that an ex played video games like a freak and left me by myself all the time. Oh well, guess that's why we're not together. Okay, not true, but I felt like saying that anyway.

Best wishes, bro!

Posted by: desult at May 15, 2005 11:13 PM
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