March 30, 2005

Schiavo Living Will Discovered

Shocking New Document Reveals Desire To Be Political Football

PINELLAS PARK, Fla. (Rhodes Media Services) -- In an earth shattering announcement, lawyers in the Terri Schiavo case today announced they had discovered, in a previously unknown bank safety deposit box, a living will apparently penned by Terri Schiavo herself before the onset of her severe brain damage.

The newly-discovered will, although it doesn't state explicitly whether Schiavo desired the removal of artificial life-supporting measures in the event she could not make her wishes known, does state that, no matter what, she wanted to be thrust into the national spotlight and become a political football, at the expense of all dignity and privacy.

"I, Terri Schiavo, being of strong mind and body," begins the will. "Do hereby declare that I want the entire nation to be transfixed on my plight, whatever that plight may be, and to have that plight played over and over on the 24/7 cable news channels, while also prompting officials in the U.S. government to make Constitutionally-questionable decisions on my behalf. I hereby authorize the videotaping of my unresponsive body to be circulated to every major news outlet. Oh, and also, if you could demonize my husband and make him out to be an abusive wretch and basically destroy his reputation, that would be pretty funny, too. I'm sure he'd get a good laugh out of that. It would also be cool if protesters could make asses of themselves by putting tape over their mouths and stuff like that. That would be a nice touch."

lawyers on both sides of the issue, though disappointed that the living will does nothing to quell the debate, were deeply pleased that Schiavo's wishes had been so thoroughly carried out, without even realizing those were her exact wishes.

"Hey, sometimes you just get lucky like that," said one Schiavo attorney, speaking on condition of annonymity.

Posted by Ryan at March 30, 2005 10:43 AM

Nicely done, Ryan!

The stupefaction ratio on this clusterfuck of a story and issue is amazing, add in the Pope's new feeding tube and there's a whole other level of irony.

Of course, in the Pope's case, they want to keep him alive so the Cardinals can run things without his interference or a new Pope with new ideas. The Terri Schiavo debacle is just embarrassing and with every big wig throwing in his two cents and then some, I will welcome her passing for all of our sakes.

And then we can back to prosecuting corrupt asshats like Tom DeLay.

Posted by: Johnny Huh? at March 30, 2005 11:41 AM

Sorry, that should be persecuting asshats like Tom DeLay.

Posted by: Johnny Huh? at March 30, 2005 11:42 AM

Who's Terry Schiavo?

Posted by: Jimmo at March 30, 2005 12:36 PM

Jimmo just made me snort while drinking my soda. Therefore, gold star to Jimmo.

Posted by: Ryan at March 30, 2005 12:49 PM

When Stuff like this saturates the news so comprehensively, it might be a good idea to see what else is circulating that someone might be trying to bury.

Posted by: simon at March 31, 2005 04:49 AM
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