March 16, 2005

Nick Column Vs Guns; Guns Win

Okay, today's installment of "Point-Out-Nick-Coleman's-Horrible-Writing-And-Logic" is almost too easy. So, let's begin!

DISCLAIMER: I'm really busy today, so I can only dedicate a couple seconds to this every once in awhile. Apologies for it's inevitable sloppiness. Sloppy though it be, it's still better than Coleman's column, I imagine.

There were a million moms at the Cathedral of St. Paul Tuesday.

Minus 999,979.

Great googily moogily. What is it with Nick Coleman attending poorly attended events? I wonder if he includes himself in the final attendee tally. Any bets?

Five years ago, the moms could have taken a run at a million. But five years ago is a long time, when you are talking about politics.

Five years ago, the Million Mom March turned out thousands against guns in St. Paul and then, on a beautiful Mother's Day in May of 2000, assembled three-quarters of a million strong in Washington, D.C., to demand that the nation's lawmakers put an end to the carnage.

It's one of those great leaps in Coleman logic that's so hard to grasp here in the world of reality. Leave it to Nick to try and draw a parallel between the Million Mom march five years ago, in Washington D.C., during a beautiful May day, with a totally different march in St. Paul, Minn. Gee, what a surprise: a St. Paul, Minn., "march," during the month of March, couldn't garner more than 21 marchers. What a shock. Of course, Nick offers up his own unsubstantiated hypothesis as to why there was such a poor showing.

But before we get to that, did you know that the Million Mom march was against "carnage?" That's some pretty sweeping legislation those moms were marching about. "Down with Carnage!"

It looked like they even had a chance. But that was then. Before 9/11, before President Bush let the ban on assault rifles lapse, before a government agency warned that terrorists can buy weapons easier than they can get on airplanes, before the National Rifle Association bought Congress. Before we stopped giving a rip.

So many straw men, so little time. So much incoherence, so little time. So much bad writing, so little time. I mean, seriously, "giving a rip?" The Strib should be ashamed but, seeing that it's the Strib, they're probably just proud. Yes, after 9/11, everyone has a gun. Yes, the "assault" rifle ban lapsed, and now everyone is on the street with an SKS with a filed down catch. And, you can actually view the receipt at the national archives that shows the NRA purchase of Congress.

On Tuesday, the remnants of the million moms mustered around the country to jog our conscience about the daily mayhem, the 82 Americans who are shot to death each day, including eight kids under 18 years old.

Won't somebody think of the children!

It was something called National Bell Ringing Day, an effort to focus attention on the fact that Congress seems more interested in protecting gun makers from lawsuits than protecting kids from guns. It would seem to have been a timely effort, with the country reeling from almost daily massacres.

Yep, our country is reeling. Daily MASSACRES! And, of course, you get a good dose of Nick Coleman splashing about unsubstantiated claims: "Congress SEEMS more interested in protecting gun makers." Anything to back that up, Nick? No? Hm.

But when the bell started tolling in St. Paul, only 21 "moms" had shown up, including a couple of priests and a few stragglers who joined the somber assembly during the 15 minutes it took to ring 82 times.

Oh, Nick, don't call yourself a "straggler." That's being mean to the real stragglers of the world. Don't belittle the stragglers so cruelly. They don't deserve to be lumped in alongside yourself.

"We have thousands of members and friends," said Million Mom organizer Mary Heller, who nevertheless seemed chagrined at the turnout. "And we're still fighting for the same thing we have been fighting for the last five years -- sensible gun laws."

There's that magic word again: "seem." Heller sure "seemed" chagrined. Maybe she was just constipated, Nick. You never know.

One thing Heller and the other moms wanted me to help them make clear is that they are not "anti-gun." Instead, they stressed, they are "anti-gun violence."

Hey, I'm not anti-KNIFE. I'm anti-knife VIOLENCE. Jeebus Christmas. Who ISN'T against gun VIOLENCE? Is there a "pro-gun violence" movement of which I'm not aware? Oh, wait, I'm sure in Coleman's mind, there is a pro-gun violence movement, and it's called the NRA. Just a guess on my part, but it SEEMS like a Coleman point of view.

OK. Point noted. But the victory goes to the gunslingers: If not even the mothers can come right out and say they hate the bloody guns, then it is clear: The bloody guns have won.

Suddenly, Coleman is channeling a British Lord. Those bloody guns. Also note: the victory goes to the gunslingers. One imagines a motley crew of cowboys, draped in gunman dusters, wildly shooting their peacemakers in the air in victory. YEE-HAWWWWWW.

*sigh* This is getting tiresome, so I'll just excerpt a few other idiocies in the column:

Today, we don't care about stopping gun violence. Today, we discuss what kind of handgun best suits your mood and complements your outfit.

Just the other day, I was buying a pair of hiking boots and I thought: "you know, a .38 Special would look GREAT with these. Unless I'm feeling somber, in which case a .50 calibre Desert Eagle would look ravishing.

Americans don't have the will to put the guns away. We are a gun-toting, gun-loving, gun-happy bunch. With blood on our hands.

The only gun I actually own is a .22 rifle, which I haven't used in years. No blood on my hands either. Oh, wait, I do have a hangnail that's seeping a bit.

More than 150,000 Americans have been shot to death since those million moms went to Washington in 2000, including more than 16,000 kids. The kill rates have been falling somewhat since the moms first marched, but some of the improvement is due to the morbid fact that big-city emergency rooms have gotten better -- through experience -- at saving people who are bleeding to death.

Anybody else spot the unsubstantiated claim? If not, here it is: but some of the improvement is due to the morbid fact that big-city emergency rooms have gotten better -- through experience --

No one cares about this anymore. Americans love their guns and they have made peace with the price of having guns under their car seats and on their nightstands and in their closets and in their loved one's mouths.

Just the other evening, my girlfriend was twirling a Colt .45 barrel in her mouth in that coy way of hers, and I just had to tell her: "Honey, please, stop it. I need to get up early tomorrow. If you need to shoot, shoot a cat." *Cover my head with a pillow * *BANG!*

As for the rest of the column, I'll leave it to you to read, if you feel the need to torture yourself. It's typical Coleman dreck. You've been warned.

Posted by Ryan at March 16, 2005 12:11 PM

The thing that pisses me off is that you attack only liberal commentators! It's so two-faced of you! Why don't you have a problem with Rush Limbaugh! Fascist!

Oh, sorry...I was channeling Joshua there.

Posted by: Jim at March 17, 2005 06:08 AM

Heh. Thing is, Jim, I DO have problems with Rush Limbaugh, but he's not from Minnesota, and he's torn apart so bad by the leftist wing of the blogosphere, I figure, what's the point. Coleman bothers me on sooooooo many levels, not the least of which being that he continues to share the same Minnesota air I breathe.

Posted by: Ryan at March 17, 2005 09:43 AM
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