Rambling Rhodes

The Food Pyramid Revisited

On Jan. 12, the U.S. Department of Agriculture (USDA)--which can be rearranged to spell SAUD, which makes me deeply suspicious--announced the sixth edition of the Dietary Guidelines for Americans, more commonly known as The Food Pyramid.

The latest update to U.S. dietary guidelines "places stronger emphasis on reducing calorie consumption and increasing physical activity." This is a very, very important finding, because it means the USDA has finally discovered the secret meaning behind the ancient Asian philosophy known as "Well, Duhhhhh!"

The most important aspect of the dietary guidelines, for me, comes in the area labeled: "Food Groups To Encourage." In other words, we're talking about our beloved Food Pyramid.

I learned all about the Food Pyramid in elementary school, primarily thanks to grainy filmstrips and static-filled tape recordings that went "beep" whenever the teacher was supposed to advance to the next slide.

The Food Pyramid was extremely important to learn. I wasn't sure why, but it was my understanding that meshing ancient Egyptian architecture with modern day dietary recommendations meant that I was going to live, at least, 4,000 years.

The Food Pyramid consisted of four basic food groups, including the Bread & Cereal Group, the Meat and Poultry Group, the Milk and Cheese Group, and the Fruit and Vegetable Group. These, alone, were difficult to remember, but then they went and threw all common sense out the window by putting peanuts within the Meat and Poultry Group. It was then that I started to think that the USDA was probably just fucking with me.

Even more ridiculous thatn peanuts in the Meat and Poultry Group were the number of daily servings suggested from each group. Those crazy guidelines were calling for somewhere in the realm of eight servings of fruits and vegetables, seven servings of milk and cheese, six servings of bread and cereal, and five servings of meat and poultry. What the hell?

Apparently, if the USDA had it's way, I would have been eating all day long. They say there's an obesity epidemic in America today, and they're blaming fast food. Personally, I think it's probably the result of five generations of elementary school students scarfing down 26 servings of pyramid food for the last 30 years. Thanks, USDA. Way to go, guys.

Today's guidelines are more modest, recommending that, for those who feel they simply must eat food, they "consume a sufficient amount of fruits and vegetables while staying within energy needs." Good advice, as per the "Well, Duhhhhh!" philosophy mentioned earlier.

And, fear not, those of you dying to know if it's still okay to drink alcoholic beverages. The USDA has outlined some valuable "Well, Duhhhh!" recommendations for booze as well.

"Alcoholic beverages should be avoided by individuals engaging in activities that require attention, skill, or coordination, such as driving or operating machinery."

For my part, I'm amazed the report made no mention of the hazards of "beer goggles," and it made absolutely no reference whatsoever to the invaluable chemical equation: "Liquor before beer, you're in the clear; beer before liquor, you've never been sicker."

Please, write your Congressperson immediately to rectify these glaring omissions.

Just as soon as you finish that 26th serving.

Posted by Ryan at January 20, 2005 04:08 PM