December 13, 2004

Twas The Week Before Christmas

Twas the week before Christmas, and the television shows,
They were all really awful, no matter which one I chose.
The remote I kept clicking, but I didn't much care,
'Cause the programs that were airing, filled me with despair.

The History Channel, and I swear this is true,
Was entirely dedicated to World War II.
As they showed yet another battlefield map,
I quite nearly fell into a TV-induced nap.

When up from my floor, there arose such a clatter,
I flicked open my eyes, to see what was the matter.
I had dropped the remote, upon my hardwooden floor.
And it broke, so I couldn't change the channels no more.

Yet the broken remote, despite shattered panels,
Continued to flip through random television channels.
When what to my wondering eyes should appear,
But a straight guy being dressed by five guys who are queer.

Then the channel, it flipped, to the show Trading Spaces
Of good taste on that show, there are only scant traces.
More rapid than Kerry, the channels, they flipped,
And I spouted adjectives, yes, many I quipped.

"That's AWFUL! That's TERRIBLE! That's DISGUSTING! That's BAD!
That's ANNOYING! That's EXECRABLE! Oh, now I'm just getting MAD!
To the entertainment center, up against the wall!
To you television, I'm oh so appalled!"

On the verge of wet tears, a good hearty cry,
I asked of the television, "Can you please at least try,
To put forth some programs, that aren't quite so awful?
The stuff that you're airing, should be considered unlawful!"

And then, in a twinkling, the channel, it changed,
To a program that can simply be labeled "deranged."
Contestants were required to eat things so gross,
Although I didn't vomit, I came very close.

Just then, I was forced to watch Desperate Housewives,
After that, I'm surprised even one brain cell survives.
They created a show that no one should enjoy,
About unsatisfied women who all crave the pool boy.

I sat there just sweating, shaking, gritting my teeth.
The show couldn't sink any lower, there's no room beneath.
My mouth started to froth, which felt rather strange,
I swayed, somewhat light-headed, waiting for the channel to change.

Just then, the tube flickered, to the show, "The Apprentice,"
Where Donald Trump says, "You're fired," which is considered momentous.
And I sat there and thought, "You know, these shows are all idiotic,
The people who watch these things must be truly psychotic."

I then spoke not a word, but went straight to the tube,
And pushed the "Off" button on that flickering cube.
And then all was silent, except for my thoughts,
Which, as is usual, didn't amount to a lot.

So I sprang to my bookcase, and perused all the titles,
Mental stimulation I sought because, after TV, that was vital.
And I heard my brain exclaim in rapturous delight,
"Happy Christmas to all, and don't watch TV tonight!"

Posted by Ryan at December 13, 2004 05:02 PM


Posted by: Rick at December 14, 2004 11:03 AM


Posted by: Lily at December 14, 2004 11:39 AM

That is precisely why we don't subscribe to cable and we don't turn our television on. Exception: to use the VCR.

Posted by: amelia at December 14, 2004 12:53 PM
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