December 03, 2004

Bath Time

When I mention to people that I take bubble baths on occasion, I get the standard quizzical look one might give if a swine-like animal swooped by on a set of plush, feathery wings.

If I'm to understand the quizzical looks correctly, I assume that it's generally assumed that men don't take baths, or at least they're not supposed to. Come to think of it, I can't recall any commercials that feature a guy lathering himself up in a tub full of bubbles, but there are plenty that feature guys in showers. But, maybe I'm thinking about this too hard.

The point is that, yes, I take bubble baths, and I enjoy them, damnit.

Well, as of a couple months ago, I now have two kittens running around my housed and, as is to be expected of kittens, they're curious about pretty much everything, and the bathtub is no exception.

When I take a bath, one or both kittens will hop up on the side of the tub, and stare down at the water below with a look that combines absolute awe with trepidation and fear.

You have to understand, one of the ways I use to train the kittens not to do something I dissaprove of is to sprtiz them with a water bottle. It's gotten to the point that I don't even have to spritz them; I just have to reach for the bottle and they go tearing out of the room. In other words, the kittens view water as an annoying weapon of control. To see me laying naked in a tub of water must seem like a god-like act to them.

Well, one evening awhile back, I was laying back, enjoying a nice hot bubble bath, reading a book. As expected, one of the kittens was perched on the side of the tub, watching me intently. The other kitten was off in another room, playing with an empty plastic bottle.

Eventually, the kitten with the bottle must have realized that his brother wasn't playing with him, so he ambled on into the bathroom to see what was up. That's when he spied his brother's twitching tail and decided to attack it.

What transpired was something that I've taken to calling "The Incident."

Taken totally by surprise when his brother bit his tail, the kitten, which had previously been safely perched atop the side of the tub, found himself in the tub with me, and he was none too happy about the situation. The yowls and howls that poured forth could have been heard in Kentucky. And the kitten was making a lot of noise, too.

Why was I yowling and howling? Because, in that instant, I went from a relaxing bath, to dodging a feline cuisinart that was mad at everything in the world. I instinctively cupped my exposed genitalia to protect them from the slashing and flailing kitty claws. I still took a minor slice to the chest but, considering the vast amount of exposed flesh the kitten had to work with, it was a minor miracle I escaped with such a minor wound.

I managed to flop my way up and out of the tub, all the while cupping Dickey and boys which, although they can't speak, I know they were very appreciative.

Wrapping my hand in a towel, I was able to scoop the kitten up and out of the tub, and he wasted no time running to the only carpeted room in the house, where he rolled around for a good half hour attempting to dry himself.

And the moral of this story? I don't think there is one, but I sure do close the bathroom door any time I take a bath now.

Posted by Ryan at December 3, 2004 05:05 PM


Posted by: David Grenier at December 3, 2004 06:04 PM

So this is only distantly related, but it's a true story and relates to bathing and pain so I'll tell it:

I started going to the gym for the first time in my adult life about a year ago. And there were a lot of reasons for it but one of the reasons was an incident that occurred in the shower last October that was precipitated, in part, by some weight gain that had taken place after I started working a desk job.

So, item one is that I'm a big hairy guy. Lots of body hair, all straight, that generally points down. So, kind of like a pelt. I have enough body hair that if you mist water over me, the water doesn't make it to my skin. It beads up on the surface of the hair, then kind of rolls along the outside of the hair until it either comes to a place where gravity overwhelms surface tension, and the drops break free, or until it gets to a place where I have less hair and it rolls onto the surface of my skin and just feels "wet".

Item two is that as of October of last year, I had, for the first time ever, put on enough weight to have a significant belly.

Item three is that my girlfriend is mortally afraid of spiders. And last October was our first time in our new apartment and she'd seen a lot of spiders around. So she was complaining a lot about all the spiders, and how she'd recently seen a great big one in the bathtub.

That's the set-up.

So what happened was, I got in the shower early one morning after having stayed up way too late night before. And my shower is kind of weak, so it just kind of lightly misted the hair on my chest before I turned around to get my back wet. So as I was standing there letting my mind drift and trying to get warm in the pitiful spray from the shower, the water on my chest rolled down along the hairs on my torso until it came to the curve of my big old belly, just above my bellybutton, at which time it broke loose and fell in a stream of drips that happened to land directly on the end of my dick because, evidently, the curve of my belly out over my hips at the time was approximately equal to the distance my trouser snake pokes out from my body when it's "at ease", so to speak.

So the thing is, I didn't know I had water on my chest hair. And I'd never experienced this drippy-water thing before. So from my perspective I was just standing there with my eyes closed, with my back to the shower, when all of the sudden I felt a quick succession of light but distinct taps on the end of my dick. And without my conscious brain ever really engaging the question, my lizard brain yelled SPIDER! and my reflexes took over.

And I punched myself in the crotch as hard as I could.

I'd like to say that I realized my mistake immediately, but that's not what happened; the pain blocked everything else out. I collapsed to my knees, still looking for the spider that clearly wasn't there. And I had that terrible sense of resentment that comes about when something hits you out of the blue: pain without any warning or anticipation. It was fully a minute and a half before I started to understand what had really happened, and then I kept almost-laughing then stopping-- because it actually hurt more when I laughed.

Just sort of by way of confirming my theory, the same thing happened a few days later—though this time I had the presence of mind not to punch myself over it.

I went to the gym the next week. Dumped 20 pounds and about 4 inches off my waistline, most of it off my stomach.

And that's the story of the spider that wasn't, and how he helped me lose weight and get back in shape.

Posted by: Joshua at December 3, 2004 06:07 PM

Ryan, you let your kittens see you naked? What kind of pervert are you?

Posted by: Simon at December 3, 2004 08:52 PM

I was laughing at Ryan's story but I'm howling at Joshua's!

Ryan - I love a hot bath myself. Very relaxing. No bubbles for me though - I don't like the slippery feel unless there's somebody with me to take advantage of it.

No no, you're not a pervert for being a guy who takes baths. You're a pervert for many other reasons, most notably the dirty mushroom.

Posted by: Jim at December 3, 2004 10:14 PM

OMFG! I thought your story was funny until I read Joshua's.

Posted by: plumpernickel at December 6, 2004 02:41 AM

3 in the morning and I'm having to laugh quietly. Something's gonna blow sides are killing guys will be the death of me yet!

Posted by: Donna at December 6, 2004 04:12 AM

From now on, I'll always think of Joshua as Spiderman.

Either that, or Nut Crunch.

Posted by: Ryan at December 6, 2004 01:31 PM

Ryan; maybe you have discovered the reason why men don't take baths. At least men with kittens who are allowed to come into the bathroom with them.

Joshua...I'm going to be laughing for a longgggggggg
time! Kudos on the weight loss though!

Posted by: Rachel Ann at December 6, 2004 02:43 PM

When my weenie wolf, Duke, used to be allowed to live in the house, whenever I took a bath, he would jump up and drink out of the bath water.

Posted by: Tig at December 6, 2004 03:50 PM

Can you really punch yourself in the privates like that? I thought there was some reflex that prevented it.

Posted by: Simon at December 6, 2004 08:43 PM

You really hate these cats don't you?

Posted by: Lily at December 7, 2004 11:18 AM

very, very funny, both of you.

your stories both also answer WHY there are no commercials featuring men in tubs of bubbles. to be realistic, the commercial would have to include some sort of Three Stooges climax, as evidenced by yourselves.

no one wants to see that. well, maybe we do.

Posted by: leblanc at December 7, 2004 05:02 PM

Oh, funny!

Though I have no cats of my own, I cat-sat for a month a long time ago. My feline guest would patrol back and forth along the bathtub rim, tail straight up, while I was in the shower.

I guess he thought he was somehow protecting me. After all, from his point of view, what creature in its right mind would enter water willingly?

Maybe next time I'll cat-sit for a Turkish Van.

Posted by: Rahel at December 9, 2004 02:23 PM

Thanks guys. Now people are stopping by my cube with quizzical expressions on their faces. My explanation of "research" doesn't seem to be fooling them.

Posted by: physics geek at December 10, 2004 02:29 PM

Good Point. Anyways, this was where i met her. You can join for free as well

Posted by: click here at March 12, 2005 03:41 AM
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