July 19, 2004

Worst. Movie. Ever!

I just came home from the movie Anchorman, with Will Ferrel. If you have not seen this movie, do yourself a favor and DO NOT see this movie. In fact, to avoid contamination from this movie, you should probably not go to any movie theater complex that is even showing this movie. It is THAT bad.

I laughed, maybe, twice during the flick, and once was during an erection scene that was only nominally humorous, and the other was when a dog got punted off a bridge, which you shouldn't really laugh at. This movie was just abyssmal. I can't say enough bad things about it.

I mean, I can appreciate that they were trying to produce a movie that was so over-the-top, it was ludicrous. Fine. But, for the love of God, please try to make it funny! As it is, Anchorman is just annoying and utterly irritating and perhaps the biggest waste of money I spent on a move since Rush Hour. Along Came Polly was pretty bad in its own right, but at least I caught that on cable, so it was basically free.

My girlfriend was actually angry after the movie, and towards the last 10 minutes, we were seriously pondering walking out. The only other people in the theater were a bunch of teenagers, and even THEY rarely laughed.

My faith in movies has been seriously shaken by all of this. We're supposed to watch I, Robot somewhere down the line. Please don't let that movie stink as incredibly as Anchorman.

Okay, I suppose the character of Brick, played by Stephen Carrel, was kinda funny, but if you want to laugh at a guy with a low IQ and be watching a good movie, you could go watch Forrest Gump, or Sling Blade. Pinning your hopes on Brick and his one-liners simply will not save you the anguish of watching Anchorman.

Christina Applegate still looks good, I guess, so there that.

Caroline says: Why didn't you like Anchorman?

Ryan says: Why DID YOU like Anchorman?!!

Ryan says: It was the most ham-fisted, over-acted, mass of totally-awful sight gags ever conceived. It was just. so. stupid.

Caroline says: I think you took it too seriously.

Caroline says: I guess I needed a stupid laugh last week.

Ryan says: No, I didn't. I went in fully realizing it was supposed to be over the top.

Ryan says: And it was over the top, but it just wan't funny.

Ryan says: I flirted with leaving after the dog got punted off the bridge.

Caroline says: uh huh

Ryan says: I mean, the Brick character was sort of funny, but laughing at stupid people with silly one liners isn't a new or compelling sort of comedy. That kind of thing has been done to death.

Ryan says: And the whole Kodiak bear scene? Could that have been any dumber?

Caroline says: Okay, this wasn't supposed to be a ground-breaking, Oscar-worthy movie. The movie was supposed to be dumb. You took it too seriously.

Ryan says: No, no I didn't. I like Kentucky Fried Movie, for crying out loud, so I know when a movie is supposed to be dumb and to just sit back and enjoy its dumbness.

Ryan says: But Anchorman wasn't even enjoyably dumb.

Caroline says: Then you didn't watch it with the right attitude. I didn't like Kentucky Fried Movie, but whatever.

Ryan says: It was one extremely lame joke after another. Right attitude my ass.

Caroline says: Okay, that's your opinion. But there are a lot of people who did like the movie, including the critics.

Caroline says: I'm not going to argue anymore about a movie that was supposed to be dumb. Sometimes people just need that kind of movie.

Ryan says: Agreed. If you're content to defend a movie that insults your intelligence, then great. I simply asked what you found funny about it, and you said, "because it's dumb." I pointed out that, yes, it's dumb, and it's supposed to be dumb, but it doesn't bring any fresh humor to the table, it just recycles old comedy tools that have been done to death.

Caroline says: No, I didn't say I liked it because it was dumb.

Caroline says: I said I needed a good laugh, and that's what it did. I didn't feel as though my intelligence was insulted. If you go in knowing it's not a serious movie, then you won't be insulted.

Ryan says: Oh for crying out loud. Listen very carefuly, Care, and I'll type it this time extra slow so you can follow along. . . I . . . went. . . in. . . knowing. . . it. . . was. . . not. . . a . . . serious. . . movie. That does not change the fact that the jokes were atrocious, recycled gags that relied on cheap and easy softball style humor. Ooh, an erection in plaid pants! Oh ha ha ha.

Ryan says: Ooh, a dog getting punted off a bridge. Oh ha ha ha. A super-stupid guy delivering over-acted one-liners. Oh ha ha ha. A 13-year-old could trot out tired crap like that.

Caroline says: the horse is dead, Ryan. Stop beating it. We have different opinions.

Ryan says: Ah, the dying yelp of someone who can't defend their position. Very well. I'll carry on.

Caroline says: My position is I liked the movie because it made me laugh.

Ryan says: Yet you can't come up with any reason why you laughed beyond "I went in knowing it was supposed to be dumb."

Ryan says: Let me ask you one final question, and then I'll be on my little way. Could you sit through that bomb again and laugh?

Caroline says: Listen, I just liked the movie. I needed to laugh and the movie made me laugh. Yes, I could laugh again at the movie. I don't need to have a reason for why I laughed. The movie made me laugh. Leave it alone, man.

Ryan says: Spoken like a toddler explaining why they still like their blankie.

Caroline says: Whatever, Ryan. It's just a movie. It's not like we're arguing about something important.

Ryan says: We rarely argue about anything important.

Caroline says: Exactly.

Ryan says: And I still make the arguments far more compelling.

Caroline says: Not really.

Caroline says: Ryan, you don't know it all. Deal with it.

Ryan says: I acquiesce that I "don't know it all." Thanks for dealing out such blanket generalizations though. That demonstrates solid mental dexterity on your part. Top notch, really. I have cited specific examples, in detail, why Anchorman sucked the royal wang, as per your question as to why I didn't like it, and you respond with "I liked it because I laughed. You don't know it all. Deal with it."

Ryan says: Pretty weak, Care.

Caroline says: it's a movie, Ryan. I don't come out of every movie saying why or why I didn't like it. I just leave it at that. I liked it.

Ryan says: I have a ball. Perhaps you'd like to bounce it?

Posted by Ryan at July 19, 2004 11:46 PM

I too wasted 90 minutes of my life on this movie today. One of the most blatant abuses of celluloid EVER! The only time I even cracked a smile was the scene where Brick couldn't figure out why everyone was yelling. We did walk out... after Jack Black drop kicked the dog...

Read the title of Ryans post people...save yourselves. Trust us.

Posted by: Lily at July 20, 2004 01:52 AM

What the hell is it with all of the shitty movies being tossed out? Where are the good movies?

Posted by: Johnny Huh? at July 20, 2004 02:50 AM

I've been hearing some pretty shitty things about I, Robot too. Be prepared for the worst.

Posted by: Jim at July 20, 2004 07:21 AM

I, Robot doesn't look all that interesting to me. Another overblown fx-fest with weak plot, cliche characters and a hamhanded "theme". I was really hoping Anchorman would be funny. Let me ask folks this, though: Did they enjoy Old School and Zoolander?

Posted by: David Grenier at July 20, 2004 07:28 AM

Haven't seen Anchorman and I don't plan on it, but I just wanted to reassure you that I, Robot isn't all that bad. Yes, there are some ham-fisted themes and a couple of horribly overexaggerated action scenes, but for the most part it didn't suck as much as almost every other movie that has come out this summer. In the last 3 months I haven't seen a good movie, period. I'm hoping Collateral will be decent, but I'm not sure.

Oh well, at least there's Catwoman and Taxi to go see yet this summer. There's no way either of those could be bad!

Posted by: Rick at July 20, 2004 07:52 AM

Wow. I thought Anchorman was hilarious. My teenaged sister did, too. I was laughing so hard during the "rumble" that I almost had tears in my eyes. But we had a pretty lively audience, so that might have been part of it. Maybe if I watch it again alone it won't be quite so amusing.

Posted by: Jen at July 20, 2004 08:15 AM

David - I loved Old School and I never saw Zoolander.

Posted by: Lily at July 20, 2004 09:17 AM

I saw "I, Robot" over the weekend.
The only really good part of the movie was the guy using his cell phone in front of us. Apparently, he had a friend that was e-mailing him nude girly pictures and I spent most of the movie listening to him say, "Oooh..I'd like to tap that ass." Over and over again.
So, I'm guessing that he really would have liked to tap that ass.

Posted by: Ruby at July 20, 2004 10:13 AM

I will ditto Lily's comment and I'm a little creeped out by how similar we are again.

I think I'm pretty well done with any and all movies that are graced with Ben Stiller's face. The guy's been so over exposed and he has one facial expression.

Posted by: Johnny Huh? at July 20, 2004 10:38 AM

You have a ball?? Will you throw it? Please..... *pant pant pant* come on, come on, come on, just throw it. I'll go get it. Ryan, throw the ball. Just do it. It'll be fun. Lots of fun. Please throw the ball.... please. Come on, come on, come on, come on, throw it, throw it, throw it......

*sigh* If you're not going to throw the damn ball I'm going to lick your crotch...... ok, you forced me to do it.


Posted by: Rick at July 20, 2004 11:42 AM

Yes Johnny...we have indeed entered some kind of creepy mind melding thing here.

Posted by: Lily at July 20, 2004 12:00 PM

In Caroline's defense, I'd like to say it's difficult, and also rather pointless, to debate something as subjective as humor. Either you find something funny, or you don't. Someone could write me a 25-page thesis on why There's Something About Mary is funny, and I still won't get it, no matter how compelling their argument is. I can acknowledge that other people find it hilarious, but that's about it. And that's fine. I have other movies I can laugh at.

For the record, the funniest thing (to me) about the dog-punting scene was how everyone in the audience gasped in unison.

Posted by: Jen at July 20, 2004 12:24 PM

Jen, I fully understand that different people find different things funny. But, I want to understand WHY someone thinks something is funny. See, I can go into great length about why I didn't think the movie was funny. The big rumble scene, for example, could have been extremely funny. They could have done a West Side Story kind of thing, but they opted for this big mosh pit hack-and-slash thing that was just so pointless and not funny. The whole movie relied on tired old comedy standbys, like laughing at a super dumb guy. And that whole scene with the Kodiak bears and the barking dog? Nobody in the theater laughed. It was like a not-very-good SNL skit drawn out of an hour and 40 minutes. I laughed when he was chortling about drinking scotch, but the laughter became less and less. I know why I didn't like it, but I want to know why other people liked it, considering they paid good money for such a hackneyed piece of cinematic boredom. That's all.

Posted by: Ryan at July 20, 2004 12:44 PM

Well, maybe I just haven't seen enough dumb comedies for Anchorman to seem tired and recycled to me. Part of the humor for me came from the stuff I wasn't expecting -- for example, the dog-punting. The last thing I expected Jack Black to do was grab Will Ferrell's dog and drop-kick it into the river. The shock of that, and all of the simultaneous gasps from the audience, mine included, made me laugh. I was expecting the movie to be satirical, but not downright absurd, as it was during the rumble scene. Cameo after cameo, ridiculous weaponry, Brick taunting everyone with his grenade and saying "Ahhhhrrr!" -- yeah, it sounds hopelessly stupid on paper, but what can I say, it cracked me up. "I killed a man WITH A TRIDENT!" I mean, it was just over-the-top silly. But I lived with teenagers for four years, so my sense of humor is probably a little warped.

I will grant that the kodiak bear scene wasn't funny, but everything leading up to it had me in stitches. I'm sorry that you didn't enjoy it. Like I said, maybe I'll watch it again and not like it so much. Who knows.

Posted by: Jen at July 20, 2004 03:27 PM

The comment about people finding things funny - or not - is so true. That's why I asked about other movies that have some of the same people that I've found really funny yet others hated. Cuz if you hated Zoolander then it means that there are certain things you don't find funny that I do. Like freak gasoline-fight accidents.

Posted by: David Grenier at July 21, 2004 09:04 AM

i just think it sucks the Farrell is now doing the post SNL Rob Schneider thing and taking any stupid script that comes along to ride the short wave of fame. he used to be *so funny*. i mean - "i need more cowbell" is still one of the funniest SNL skits ever. i haven't seen Anchorman, but the trailers were bad enough that i never intended to.

Posted by: leblanc at July 21, 2004 12:32 PM
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