July 19, 2004

My House Lies Here

Ever since I went and bought my house, I've noticed that I sit and wonder what the insides of other people's houses look like. I wonder if they have as nice of floors as mine. I wonder how they make use of their available space. I wonder what kind of furniture they have. I wonder if they have a daughter, and if she's hot, and if she's into guys with shaved heads.

To appease all the conjecture wrapped within my wonderment, I've discovered the wonderful world of open houses, which allow me to wander aimlessly around homes that are for sale. My girlfriend and I spend a considerable amount of time on the weekends visiting open houses to see how other homes compare to my own.

One of my favorite aspects of visiting open houses is conjuring elaborate lies about myself when talking with the realtors who are conducting the open houses. I create wonderful fantasy worlds in which I'm a Mayo Clinic doctor who makes $500,000 a year, or I'm an IBM junior executive who makes $800,000 a year, with stock options. The more wealthy I make myself out to be, the more giddy the realtors become. It's great fun.

My girlfriends, sadly, is incapable of such big-time lying. She gets uncomfortable when it comes to spewing whopper tales like the ones I relate to ambitious realtors. She understands that it's all harmless good fun, but she just can't do it.

So, she'll stand there and nod while I explain that I'm a 3M manager looking to buy a Rochester home to live in on the weekends to "get away from it all."

How grandiose and elaborate my lies are usually is determined by how grandiose and elaborate the house I'm looking at is and how in-your-face the realtor may be. For really irritating realtors, I'll concoct stories that no-doubt leave them breathless.

REALTOR: Here, take my card. This is a beautiful home, and the asking price, I must say, is a steal. Here, sign the guest book, and be sure to write your address and phone number! You should really buy this house! Why are you looking now?

ME: Oh, I just came back from a mountain-climbing trip on Everest. I very nearly died, but my life was saved by some other climbers who just happened to come by at the right time. While I was recovering, I spent a lot of time thinking about my life, and my personal fortune, and I realized that life's just too short, and that I need to settle down in a nice neighborhood and start a family, and disconnect myself from the harsh realities of the work world and just spend some time enjoying my wealth rather than trying to add to it.

REALTOR: Well, this home is just perfect for you then!

ME: Yes, I agree. I'll probably call you next week to make a bid!

REALTOR: Excellent!


And then we go tour another house, where I become a successful stock-broker from New York who is escaping the big city for a more simple life.

Posted by Ryan at July 19, 2004 01:06 PM

ah, yes. the "no strings attached opportunity to lie". i never let one of those pass by myself either. your g/f should really try to make it her own - the female versions of those lies can be really, really fun, especially if the Agent is a man...

"oh, well, this is kind of embarrassing, but i used to be a stripper at this club downtown... and i met this guy.... and now we're getting married and since he's such a busy (insert high profile job here), i'm doing the house shopping...." that's if she's alone, of course. otherwise, if i was her, i'd definitely pretend to be your rich wife. you should dress up for the occasion as well.

Posted by: leblanc at July 19, 2004 02:31 PM

This could be big fun.
Did you ever see the episode of Mad about You where Paul and Jaime did that very thing, while on a free trip (the company was selling timeshares), until at one point Jaime had to tell the activities director that Paul was actually nuts with multiple personalities? It was pretty funny, and could so be you. He was in the circus, a pilot, a doctor, and a couple other things, it was hilarious. It's better with accents.

Posted by: Donna at July 19, 2004 10:09 PM
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