Rambling Rhodes

Channel Surfing

I know I'm tempting the television gods with a question like this, but: can television shows possibly get any dumber?

Thanks to my long-awaited cable access, I can now surf through a staggering number of channels, but what I'm discovering is that having a staggering number of channels just means I have access to a staggering amount of bad television.

To illustrate my point, let's visit some of the more distasteful television tidbits out there today that are apparently passing as entertainment.

Trading Spaces: My girlfriend used to love this show with a passion, but even she's finally getting tired of it. Think long and hard, people. Would you trust your neighbors to transform a room in your house into something different, if limited to $1,000 and the questionable interior decorating skills of someone with very few qualifications?

American Chopper: A large grumpy man, who I would be scared of from ten miles away, yells at his sons while they build loud motorcycles. It's always the same scenario. Will they finish the chopper on time? Long answer: yeah. Short answer: yep. How they can devote an hour to this crap is beyond me.

The One That Got Away: This is, of course, a reality television show that has nothing to do with reality, which means, of course, that my girlfriend loves it. Which means, of course, that I have to watch it. The premise? A guy with rugged good looks and questionable intelligence is hooked back up with several women from his past who all, for some inexplicable reason, profess to love him. It's great for the guy. I mean, really, he gets to canoodle with a harem of adoring hotties. You know, just like real life! Eventually, darn it, he has to choose just one, at which point, I'm sure, my girlfriend will find another reality television show to watch. Somebody shoot me.

E! True Hollywood Stories: Take the following template and make it into a television show. Tell the story of a Hollywood celebrity, and be sure to talk about their descent into drug abuse and subsequent recovery. It's enough to make me wonder if that's a prerequisite for stardom. Imagine, if you will: you're auditioning for the role of a lifetime, and you're perfect for it. Suddenly, the producer approaches you: "Hmm, it says here that you've never had a drug problem. I'm sorry. I just don't think you're right for this part. Here's a vial of cocaine. Come back after rehab."

World Poker Tour: We've all felt the urge, haven't we? You're in a casino, and you're just burning with the desire to go over to the poker table to watch people play poker! What? You haven't felt that urge? Well, tough! There's a television show devoted to it anyway. How is this stuff entertaining? HOW?!! Is it the huge amounts of money the players are supposedly wagering? Because, I have news for you. . . they're not actually wagering any money at all. It's play money. It's a fictitious number that looks impressive but, in reality, they're just keeping score. It's points, nothing more. And why do the announcers talk in hushed tones? Is there a baby sleeping somewhere in the back of the room?

Celebrity Poker Showdown: Consult the above gripe, except add a bunch of lesser-known celebrities who really aren't all that good at poker.

The O'Reilly Factor: If ever there was a forum in which a grumpy man can shout at people he disagrees with, this would be it. It's like a political version of American Chopper, except the large man is replaced with a small man with creepy eyebrows that make him look like The Joker from the Batman movie.

I could go on, but there's work to be done.