April 09, 2004

Chewing Crushed Ice

There's this comic strip my managing editor gave me awhile back, and she did so to taunt me about my noisy officemate. It's a Dilbert strip, and it features the bald guy with glasses chewing crushed ice, just so the woman in the cubicle next to him would be annoyed through the roof. The final panel show the woman, fists clenched, shaking in rage, saying "Must. . . destroy all refridgeration facilities. . . on earth!"

Right now, my officemate is sitting over in her bizarre little world, loudly chewing her beloved baby carrots. I've talked about this before, and I'm doing it again because, right now, I'm so irritated and annoyed by the popping and crunching of those accursed baby carrots, I want to pound my fists through something. ANYTHING!

There's really no way to explain how irritating it is to hear her masticating over there. And the worst part is that she eats, nonstop, from around 10 a.m. to 2 p.m. Every. Day. And everything she eats is just as loud and annoying as everything else she eats. From carrots, to peaches, to apples, to the gargantuan salads, to the Healthy Choice TV dinners she nukes across the hall and brings into the office to assail the nostrils.

I mean, she says she's on a diet, which is fine. But, seriously, I don't care if you limit your diet to fruits and vegetables: if you eat nonstop, pretty much all day freakin' long, you're kind of defeating the point, right?! RIGHT!? So, you only eat apples and carrots and oranges? Good for you. So, you say you eat 8 apples, 8 oranges and roughly 100 million carrots a day? What the hell is wrong with you?!

Oh, and when she breaks out the peaches, that's always such a treat, and I notice there's one on her extensive menu for today, so I just can't wait for that. First, there's the open mouth death bite into the pulpy flesh of the peach, followed by the most God-awful slurping sound you've ever heard as she sucks the juice from the fruity wound. AGH! It makes me want to scream. Scream I tell you!!

And then there's the fruit cups. Oh, let me tell you about those fruit cups. The fruit cups are quiet for awhile, but then she gets down to the end, and what ensues is the most frantic scraping of spoon on plastic container, which goes on for about five minutes or so. "Must. . . get. . . at. . . last bit of. . .fruit paste!"

I'm dying here. Dying!

Oh, and she just blew her nose three times, which must signal the next course or something. I totally hate having an officemate, particularly THIS officemate.


Posted by Ryan at April 9, 2004 11:28 AM

Um yeah, that'll be the next diet fad. Eat all the time, just keep it to fruits and vegetables, chew with your mouth open (to let calories escape as you chew, of course) and you too can drop fifty pounds in three days.

Its posts like this that make me especially happy to have my own office and a door that I can close when I feel the over powering need to rock out to some House of Pain or similarly goofy old rap or rock.

Posted by: Johnny Huh? at April 9, 2004 12:36 PM

One of my dad's many weirdnesses was that, not only was he gay, but he was a gay male body fascist. He worked out obsessively. He hated fat men. And he was really invested in my appearance. And, lest anyone get the wrong idea about that, think about mothers who tell their daughters to watch their weight; it was that kind of thing. So among the many unusual experiences I had as a young boy growing up was that of getting more shit about my weight and general physical appearance than most girls. I actually went through a period of bulimia in high school. When I was going to The Most Liberal College in the Universe, I always had to restrain myself from punching those self-righteous, "anorexia and bulimia are symptoms of patriarchal domination of wimmin!" undergraduate feminists right in the throat.

But that's not the story. That's just the lead-in.

The story is a conversation I had with my dad once when I was 13:

Dad: Jesus, Josh. What have I told you? Exercise! Diet! You look like a goddamn blimp.
Josh: Gee, thanks Dad.
Dad: I'm serious. You're turning into one of those big fat kids. I never thought I'd see the day. You were so thin when you were little. Now look at you. Your gut's starting to poke out over your belt. You look like one of those goons, from the Popeye cartoons.
Josh: I think it's just my metabolism. All I eat is fruits and vegetables.
Dad: Look, think about cows. Okay? All cows eat is grass. But you've seen fat cows, right? Anything will make you fat if you eat enough of it.

So, obviously if the son of a bitch had a grave I'd piss on it. Daily. But he had a good point about the food.

Posted by: Joshua at April 9, 2004 12:54 PM

So, Ryan, are you aware that your anti-spam software keeps people from using the f-word in your comments.

Posted by: Joshua at April 9, 2004 12:55 PM

I find it EXTREMELY hard to believe that you can think of NOTHING even remotely annoying as her habits to at least try and convey the same annoyance back. Even if it's just to get her to have the audacity to complain about your lingering fart, loud keyboard or squeaky chair, etc, etc, just so you can throw it into her face that she sounds like a pig at trough when eating. I've read your blog long enough to know that you should have some equally hilarious and annoying something’s to throw back her way. Ideally making her aware of the noise and the annoyance. But I do understand that stooping to other people’s levels doesn't always resolve matters. But then again, you could always hope to be deaf. ~ BZ

Posted by: BZ at April 9, 2004 01:00 PM

BZ, here's the deal. A few months ago, mainly because I just didn't care any more, I started belching really loud. All the time. Sometimes, I'll even belch out words or almost words, like "Blooorrrffff" or "Raaaallph." It was my way of trying to annoy her back. The problem was, she thinks it's FUNNY! Maybe I should try farting, or maybe throwing shit at her.

Joshua, I had no idea about that limitation. I just checked on it, and you're right. That's really f*cking sucks.

Posted by: Ryan at April 9, 2004 01:17 PM

Ryan: On the other hand, I got strafed by a gay porn spammer last night. So, you know, pick your evil.

Posted by: Joshua at April 9, 2004 01:19 PM

if you're on a raw food diet (like i basically currently am), you really do have to eat all day long, pretty much. every two hours at the least. i eat about every 45 minutes at my desk, including baby carrots and apples and peanutes and bananas and celery and granola bars, etc., but never, EVER fruit cups. fruit covered in corn syrup? what's the point?

the loudness is annoying though. my one coworker chews seriously loudly AND talks with his mouth full during staff meetings.

Posted by: leblanc at April 9, 2004 01:44 PM

p.s. your comments won't "remember" my personal info. i have to input every time. i'm running Mac OS X / IE 5.2.3

Posted by: leblanc at April 9, 2004 01:47 PM

Eating sounds make me really nauseous. I have to turn on music even while I eat. I might have one to trump your co-worker, though:

I have a weekly graduate seminar that meets during the dinner hour, so someone brings in a meal to share every class. We had tacos one night, and one of my classmates spent the whole freaking three hours smashing the taco shell into bits with her fingers. She then wet her pointer, dipped it into the taco crumbs and licked them off her fingertip. Next, she took the bowl of shredded cheese from the buffet table and went back to her seat, wet the SAME FINGERTIP and picked out the monterey cheese shreds from the cheddar ones because "I'm on a diet that supports white but not yellow cheese".

It's all just effing gross. I'm starting to hate food and the people who eat it in my vicinity.

Posted by: aritae at April 9, 2004 04:46 PM

Ahhh, yes, food!

Posted by: Hannibal Lechter at May 8, 2004 10:34 PM
Post a comment

Remember personal info?

StumbleUpon Toolbar Stumble It!