July 31, 2002

Thinning The Herd

Far be it for me to crack jokes about a person dying, but sometimes news of the odd just demands that I say something.

Man Shot Dead over Heaven and Hell Argument

According to a Reuters news report out of (and I swear this is true) Godley, Texas, an argument over who was going to heaven and who was going to hell ended with one Texas man shooting another to death with a shotgun.

Johnny Joslin, 20 was allegedly shot by Clayton Frank Stoker, 21, on Sunday. The two had spent Saturday with two other men night bar hopping in Fort Worth, about 40 miles northeast of Godley.

I'll admit it, after a good night of bar hopping, I've been known to carry on deep theological discussions, usually with the toilet bowl. "Oh, God, why did I drink so much?! Oh, Jesus, I'm going to throw up, I just know it. Holy Mary Mother of God, here it comes. Oh, God. Oh, God. Oh. . . *gaaaaaaacckk*

Okay, seriously, I've had religious conversations with my friends over a few beers, but it's always civil and good-natured. We don't sit around with double barrel shot guns under our shoulders just in case we don't agree. Besides, we've all pretty much resigned ourselves to purgatory, so arguing over who's bound for heaven or hell is really pointless.

Johnson County Sheriff Bob Alford said a witness who was the designated driver for the group told police the four men were sitting at a table outside a trailer park after their night on the town and entered into an argument about religion. The talk became heated when the subject turned to who would go to heaven and who would go to hell.

JOSLIN: Ya know Clayton, I've been thinkin' bout you, and I just don't think yore heaven material. Remember that girl you was bangin' last week that turned out to be 17? Yore goin' to hell fer that one fer sure.

STOKER: You shut up yore mouth, Johnny. I plan on marryin' little Cindy Ellen Layola Fairmont Masterson just as soon as she turns 18 and passes her GED. In God's eyes, I'm lookin' purty good.

JOSLIN: Aw, hell, Clayton. You said that bout little Tanqueray Elizabeth Fredrickson McGill Hampton, and she was 16. Nope, I'm purty sure yore bound fer hell.

STOKER: I'm a warnin' ya Johnny, you shut up yore mouth or I'm a' gonna get mighty angry.

Stoker said he would settle the argument and went into a house and returned with a shotgun, which he loaded and placed in his mouth, Alford said the witness reported.

STOKER: Mmmbfll, mbbll, mrrff! (translation: I'll show YOU who's going to heaven!)

"The victim Joslin then took the gun out of Stokers mouth, saying, 'If you have to shoot somebody, shoot me,"' Alford said, citing the witness report.

JOSLIN: If you have to shoot somebody, shoot me. (Hey, I can't come up with all my own dialog here.)

The shotgun went off, hitting Joslin in the chest and killing him.

I'm thinking Joslin ended up in the heaven reserved for really stupid people.

Posted by Ryan at July 31, 2002 01:00 PM
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