August 16, 2002

Paging Dr. Rhodes, You're Needed

Paging Dr. Rhodes, You're Needed for Immediate Suturing

Okay, I'm a wee bit concerned. Someone visited my blog after doing a Google Search on Stop+Bleeding+Mole+Shaving+Cut.

I'm stuck with this horrible vision of some adolescent youth (I'll call him, Scott), new to the realm of puberty, taking a razor over his tender face for the first time in his life to rid himself of the seven errant whiskers that have taking tentative root.

Suddenly, he slices over a large mole that has called his upper left cheek home for the past 14 years. Rudely dislodged without so much as an eviction notice, the mole's severed basement shoots forth a horrifying stream of blood, while the mole itself stays lodged between the first and second blades of Scott's fresh-from-the-box Mach 3 razor.

Terrified, Scott blotches handful after handful of toilet paper against the spewing wound, but to no avail. Feeling woozy from a loss of blood, Scott staggers from the bathroom, trailing blood to his bedroom where he frantically connects to the Internet and does a hurried Google search in a last ditch effort to find some sort of medical procedure to stop the flow of blood and safe his waning life.

His vision blurred by the life force ebbing from his body, Scott clicks on my site, hoping beyond hope that "Rambling Rhodes" is, in fact, a reputable medical establishment that specializes in halting the flow of blood from a freshly slashed mole. Instead, as he drops to his knees, rapidly losing the will to live, he's greeted with a turquoise screen. The last thing Scott reads before forever closing his eyes is, "Yes," he thought. "My grandma still has it."

Hours later, Scott's parents find his lifeless and moleless body on his bedroom floor. The only clue to his ghastly demise is scrawled in blood on the carpet, apparently hurriedly written by Scott himself:

"Rambling Rhodes must die."

Posted by Ryan at August 16, 2002 03:51 PM
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