October 24, 2002

Regis and Kelly on Mute

Regis and Kelly on Mute and Things That Annoy Me

I woke up this morning and discovered my Internet access, typically lightning fast, was suffering an apparent hangover in cyberspace and couldn't present Web pages any faster than one or two pages every five minutes. Now, I depend on my dose of news headlines first thing in the morning, if for no other reason because, after reading the news, the rest of my day seems pretty great.

Lacking immediate access to breaking news about the D.C. area sniper and his obsession with killing innocents, I opted to click on the TV, only to be greeted by Regis and Kelly, a show I've never seen. At that moment, my Internet started behaving, apparently shaking off the DTs from last night's Internet drinking binge, so I put the TV on mute.

A funny thing about Regis and Kelly on mute; you can really get a taste for how much those two apparently can't stand each other. I haven't seen so much eye rolling since watching the Cookie Monster on Sesame Street as a child. When Regis was talking, Kelly was doing her incredulous best to let the audience know that she thought Regis was a geriatric pants pooper, and when Kelly opened her chasm to speak, it was plainly obvious through Regis' body language that he regarded Kelly as a no-talent elf about to collapse under the weight of her own make-up. I don't know, maybe I'm wrong. But I'm never wrong, at least according to me.

Oh, and if you want a window into the resume of Kelly Ripa, here's an excerpt from this site: Ripa's television career began in November 1990 when she joined the popular ABC Television Network daytime drama "All My Children" in the role of Hayley Vaughan. Ripa, who sees a little bit of herself in Hayley, had been attending Camden Community College (motto: We're Not Much, but Kelly Ripa Goes Here) in New Jersey and had performed in local theater productions, including "H.M.S. Pinafore," (hey, my cousin was in that about ten years ago) "The Wizard of Oz" and "A Connecticut Yankee in King Arthur's Court," (what, no King Lear or something a tad more challenging?) before coming to the show. Her entry into acting came suddenly. After performing in her senior high school play, "The Ugly Duckling," she was encouraged to pursue acting. (did anyone else notice that they just listed a high school performance as somehow constituting acting experience?) Ripa, who has one sibling, is the first in her family to enter the acting profession. (I'm betting her other siblings haven't graduated yet). She has studied ballet since age three, plays the piano and, in her words, is "no Barbra Streisand but can carry a tune" (good, carry it elsewhere, you maddeningly coifed hack).

You know what annoys me? I'll tell you what annoys me. It annoys me when radio DJs feel as though they must creatively speak their way through the opening bars of a good song. This practice, known as a segue, should be stopped immediately. Just because the first 15 seconds of a song have no lyrics, that doesn't mean you should fill the time with irritating crap about the radio station, upcoming events, or just general mindless blather. I want to hear the song! Shut up! Shut up! Just shut the hell up!

Oh, it also annoys me when people at a convenience store pay for purchases totalling less than $5 use a credit card. Argh! Don't you people know about the exchange medium called cash? It's green. There are pictures of past presidents on it. And it's fast, primarily because, when you use cash, you don't have to wait for a machine to dial into a credit database, print out a receipt, and have you sign it. If you can't carry at least $10 in cash with you, you don't deserve to go anywhere. The longer we have to wait for you people and your credit card processing, the longer we have to sit idly in the crosshairs of a sniper's scope. Please, think of the sniper.

Posted by Ryan at October 24, 2002 10:31 AM
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