November 14, 2002

Simultaneous Solar Flares Could Be

Simultaneous Solar Flares Could Be Al Queda Signal, Officials Say

Rhodes Media Services--WASHINGTON D.C., Nov. 14, 2002 -- Two simulataneous massive solar flares observed by researchers at the National Solar Observatory in southern New Mexico may, in fact, be secret encoded messages to al Qaeda operatives, U.S. officials said today.

"Time and time again, we're surprised at the resiliancy and resourcefulness of terrorists," said Sen. Richard Shelby, R-Ala., vice chairman of the Senate Intelligence Committee. "When you think about it, two giant solar flares appearing on opporsite sides of the sun simultaneously can't just be coincidence. They have to be a signal to terrorists to resume their strikes."

The flares, witnessed on the morning of Oct. 31, have been dismissed by scientists as naturally occuring phenomenon. Observatory researchers believe that magnetic fields may have primed the flares to erupt seconds apart. However, they admitted that there simply wasn't enough data to posit a working theory.

"You want a theory? I'll give you a theory," said President George W. Bush. "Those flares were obviously manipulated by al Qaeda to encourage more attacks. Magnootic, er, megnantic, er, metallica. . . whatever. . . those fields had nothing to do with it. I can assure you, we'll be carefully monitoring the sun from now on looking for more of those flare thingees, and we'll have top decoders working to decipher them to figure out where the next attack may occur. Bush then looked up at the sun, only to recoil due to severe retinal pain.

"Damn you, bin Laden!" yelled Bush. "I'll get you for that one, too!"

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Posted by Ryan at November 14, 2002 12:50 PM
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