November 18, 2002

Oh, Those Chicken McNuggets I

Oh, Those Chicken McNuggets

I recently rediscovered the magic of McNuggets. I'm not sure why or how, but the misshapen bits of compressed chicken parts have once again become a fairly regular part of my diet. Maybe it's the unknown origin of the chicken meat, or the fact that 80 percent of them roughly resemble small boots, but whatever the reason, I'm eating more than my fair share of them.

When it comes to fast food, there are few menu items that attract the derision of the mass media more than McDonalds' McNuggets. They're the Saddam Hussein of the fast food world. Any time a bone or a human finger is discovered within the hard crust and the squishy meat of a nugget, it's almost always front page news. When a patron discovered a perfectly formed and deep fried chicken head in her value meal awhile back, you'd have thought she had found the eyeball of Hitler himself. Come on, mistakes happen when you're dicing up a pen of poultry. So, a head snuck into the batch. So what? It's not like she ate it.

I kid, of course. If I were to unearth a chicken head from a batch of McNuggets, I'd probably hurl vomit a distance of five buses parked end to end. But, until that day, I'll happily scarf down chicken bits with the best of them.

My first long-term love affair with McNuggets began when I was living in Tokyo my senior year of high school. The wrestling season had just wrapped up, and I was very eager to start packing on the pounds that were denied to me all season long as I battled to maintain my weight. So it was, the week I became free to ingest all that was before me, I entered a local McDonalds and ordered a 20 piece McNugget meal.

Thirty minutes later, with my stomach coated with McNugget oil and chicken slurry, I genuinely believed I was going to suffer some horrible death due to over-ingestion of mushy chicken. It was all I could do to keep the pullet parts from coming up to take a bow. Three hours later, the danger subsided and, the next morning, I deposited a truly disturbing quantity of bird butt in the commode.

>From that day on, until I flew back to the U.S. to attend college, I ate about one 20 McNugget box a week, and each time I suffered the same uncomfortable ordeal, but I just couldn't stop. Whatever drug Ronald McDonald injects into those nuggets, it kept me coming back for more. I couldn't help myself. Finally, I left Tokyo and started the life of a college student, abandoning my strange love affair with McNuggets for several years. . . until this fall.

Maybe it's the encroaching winter, or the cold short evenings, but I just don't have time to think much about mealtime, so McNuggets have begun to fill the void. I've done the 20 nugget meal three times since October, including once last night, and I don't like how the rest of the winter is shaping up. Sure, I exercise almost religiously and will probably suffer no physical decay due to my shoddy eating habits, but this still can't be a good thing. I must fight the draw of the evil McNugget goodness.

Just as soon as I go take a massive shit.

Tyra Banks. Adriana Lima. Heidi Klum. Kate Moss. Cindy Crawford . Rachel Hunter . Gisele Bundchen . Jessica Alba . Jessica Simpson . Namrata Singh Gujral. Cerina Vincent. Lauren Lee Smith. Tawny Cypress. Jayma Mays. Rose Byrne. Natalia Tena. Carice van Houten. Sonya Walger. Michelle Ryan. Alice Braga. Kristen Stewart. Katie Leung. Vera Jordanova. Mia Maestro. Ninel Conde.

Posted by Ryan at November 18, 2002 12:40 PM
Post a comment

Remember personal info?

StumbleUpon Toolbar Stumble It!