"More News You May Have Missed," c. Ryan Rhodes, Dec. 2, 2002
It's time once again to scour the world of news and find those important tidbits of information that may not have found their way into the mainstream media outlets.
I feel obligated to bring you these news items, dear readers, because you have a right to be informed about even the most obscure stories. Well, that, and I had no idea what else to write about this week.
We begin with an article found on Court TV online. According to the Nov. 15 story out of Mansfield Township, NJ, "police say Emmanuel Nieves, 23, and Erik Saporito, 21, were hanging out with friends at a Mansfield apartment complex on Nov. 13 when the conversation turned to hairy buttocks. The discussion grew heated when Nieves got angry over accusations that he had the shaggiest of behinds."
I know what you're thinking. You're thinking, "Well, I wonder who has the hairiest buttocks." Let me just put all your musings to rest simply by saying that "I" have the hairiest buttocks, no matter what Nieves or Saporito may think.
I should pause here to explain one of the cardinal rules of journalism; namely, when it comes to referring to the human posterior, great care must be taken to avoid crassness and expletives. Thus, terms like "buttocks" and "behind" are often liberally used when writing articles like this, which are far more commonplace than one might think.
I can assure you, dear readers, that Nieves and Saporito at no time referred to their own backsides as "buttocks." How do I know this? Because, any discussion or argument that centers around who has the hairiest behind never, ever consists of halfway intelligent words like "buttocks."
SAPORITO: I say, old chap, you simply have the hairiest buttocks of anyone I've ever met.
NIEVES: Oh, now that's just bad form, Erik my good fellow. You shall take back your hairy buttocks insult lest I grow angry.
SAPORITO: I shall not! I stand behind my buttocks statement. Get angry if you will!
NIEVES: Well, I never! Draw your knife, knave!
Referring back to the article, "a scuffle ensued, during which Nieves allegedly grabbed a knife and slashed Saporito in several places. Authorities are unsure if the injuries were a result of Nieves trying to shave his friend's buttocks."
Seriously, how would you conduct an investigation into something like that? What niche area of forensics specifically deals with aggravated buttocks shaving?
Just for the record, I'm immensely pleased with myself for having written the word "buttocks" 11 times in one column. Whoops, make that 12.
Turning to less posterior-related news, according to a Nov. 14, Reuters article out of London, "two British mental health workers visited a woman patient, chatted with her, and then left without realizing she was dead."
Well, I don't know about you, but I'm curious what the two mental health workers wrote down in their reports before it was determined the patient was dead.
REPORT EXCERPT: Patient appears distant and aloof, bordering on catatonic. Her extremely slow blinking, averaging one blink every never, indicates a severe detachment from reality. A lingering odor of decay points to a lack of personal hygiene. We will continue to monitor the patient's progress, although all observations point to a decided deterioration in her condition.
Okay, enough of my imagination running rampant. Let's find out what really happened.
According to the article, "after saying hello, they tried talking to Patricia Harris, 43, but when she failed to respond they left, the Daily Mail reported. ‘She didn't seem to want us there,' health worker Helen Redmond was quoted as saying."
She didn't seem to want them there? That was their professional mental health diagnosis? Thankfully for the deceased Harris, her lifeless state was correctly deduced the following day during a follow-up visit by two other mental health workers.
There are other odd news items I could write about here, but my buttocks are getting sore. Whoops, make that 13. And breasts. Breast squirt, yup. Breasts again. Oh, and Charlotte Church's breasts.
Posted by Ryan at December 12, 2002 11:51 PM
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