Chronologically Impaired
It has been one of those Mondays where I don't function normally. My alarm went off at 6 a.m., as usual, and I apparently clicked the snooze button for an hour without realizing it. I stared blankly at my clock, made a mental note that I still had just over an hour to enjoy slumber should I wish it, shuffled into the bathroom to tinkle, and returned to the warmth of my bed and fell asleep almost instantly, forgetting, of course, to reset my alarm for 8 a.m.
So, 9:17 a.m. rolls around, and I awake by pure luck, look over at my clock and think, "Hmmmm, it's only 9:17. That means I can sleep about. . . wait a minute. . . 9:17? Awwww, damn it! I'm late!"
First things first; I leaped to my computer and logged off MSN Messenger, and then I logged back on. Why? Because, my co-workers and bosses all use MSN at work, so, by logging on, my bosses will see a flashing sign appear on their screens telling them I just logged on. I cling to the hope that this throws them off into thinking I'm actually in the office, rather than scurrying around in my boxer shorts at home. I know, it's a long shot, but can it really hurt?
Then it was into the bathroom where I brushed my teeth and perused my head and face stubble. Both surfaces had not seen a razor in two days, but I opted to save time by simply shaving my cranium and leaving my face as it was. So I look like a vagrant. So what? I work in an IBM office all by myself. Who is really going to care? At least I showered. I can at least claim three out of four hygiene accomplishments for the day.
In my haste to get to the office, however, I forgot to put on my watch. My watch!! I didn't notice its absence until I was almost to work. Once again, I uttered "Awwww, damn it!" I hate, hate, hate not having my watch on hand, er, so to speak. I'm a notorious clock-watcher. Sure, there's a clock next to my computer, and sure I could rely on the clock right there in the lower right hand corner of my computer screen, but those aren't on MY time. I need to know what time it is in MY time. My watch is set ahead exactly nine minutes from computer time. I understand MY time. I'm used to automatically subtracting nine minutes from my watch to ascertain the correct time. If I subtract nine minutes from computer time or clock time, I'll end up throwing myself all off. I'm not sure if I can endure an entire workday without my watch.
Now, if you'll excuse me, it's almost time for lunch. I think. I can never be sure unless I know what time it is in MY time.
If only Natalie Portman would bring me my watch. Preferably, a nude Natalie Portman. If Natalie Portman delivered my watch in the nude, this day would be perfect. Mmmmm, Natalie Portman nude.
Posted by Ryan at December 16, 2002 11:50 AM
Stumble It!
