January 09, 2003

How Big is Just Right?

How Big is Just Right?

Am I the only person somewhat perpelexed by the explosion of penis enlargement advertisements and spam mail? There are even television commercials and informercials on the topic for crying out loud. Would somebody please tell me what the heck is going on?! When did the male population start looking downward and think, "That needs to be bigger?"

I won't go into the size of my own penis, because frankly there's not enough space on the entire world wide web to accommodate a detailed description of my wang. Suffice it to say, I'm pleased with my penis, and I have yet to get a complaint. And even if someone were to complain, I probably wouldn't believe them.

But apparently there's a major demand to embiggen the man muscle, and I can't for the life of me understand why. As it is, the male penis is kind of an uncomfortable piece of equipment to lug around. It dangles there, between the legs, a fleshy pendulum that toggles between the thighs. If God weren't so rusty with his genetic skills, he would have put the penis in a less obtrusive spot, like on the back of the head as a type of penis ponytail. Headbanging would be a type of mating display.

The penis's complementary attachments, the scrotum and testicles, are also not situated in the most convenient of spots. Together, all that male equipment shifts more than tectonic plates, and probably with as much friction. Why in the world would you want to make any of it even bigger? After all, I don't look at my airline luggage and think, "Man, I really wish I had more to carry."

But yet here we are with a consumer marketplace being flooded with creams, salves, pills, liquids, pumps and, if you can believe it, an entire magazine dedicated to the quest for a larger dong. Once upon a time, such penis enlargement options could only be found in the back of particularly dirty men's magazines like Hustler, and were only viewed by acne-ridden adolescents buried beneath their blankets late at night reading by flashlight. Now, you can just flip through the channels and see actual commercials touting a bigger boy.

Just out of curiosity, how much further down the acting ladder can you possibly slide if you have to accept a commercial gig as "penis enlargement guy #1?" I can't imagine that's the type of resume padding that will land you in a soap opera any time soon. Everywhere you go, there's the danger that people will recognize you as the guy who uses penis enlargement aids.

But I'm getting off topic here. My main question still remains, "why would you really want to make your penis bigger?" Granted, there are some men out there that don't feel they measure up, men who fall short of the overall world average of six inches while erect. If they feel inadequate somehow, then sure, they have a legitimate reason to try and stretch their jimmies.

But, men seeking to extend beyond six or seven inches are just being unreasonable, and I would argue they're hopelessly vain and greedy. Some of the enlargement products show men holding on to specimens that look like soft forearms. A ten inch weiner? No thanks. What good could you possibly do with a ten inch penis? Except for repeatedly hitting the end of the road for practically every female not over six feet tall.

Besides, when you're not engaged in intercourse, you still have that ten inch wand to deal with. Myself, I probably am forced to adjust my package 20 times a day. I like my penis to rest on my right thigh. It's home there. Comfortable. But if I had a ten inch coiled behemoth to worry about, I think I'd go insane. It would get squeezed between your legs and, you know, there's a good chance you'd occasionally sit on it. Imagine sitting in on a meeting, when suddenly your penis slides down underneath your right buttock. Now you're just stuck there, sitting on your dink, trying to concentrate through a veil of tears, waiting for a break so you can adjust yourself. "A ten inch penis. What was I thinking?!"

If you're uncomfortable with your penis size, don't take drastic measures to get bigger, just date really small women. It's all relative.

Posted by Ryan at January 9, 2003 02:04 PM
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