January 13, 2003

North Korea's X-Rated Missile Program

North Korea's X-Rated Missile Program

Well, despite all the speculation as to why the U.S. is salivating for a war against Iraq while the North Korean threat is downplayed, I have my own suspicions why North Korea has to play second fiddle. Quite simply, North Korea has an X-rated missile program.

Yes, North Korea has nuclear capabilities, and yes North Korea is pretty flagrant when it comes to not playing nice. And yet, the Bush Jr. administration is content to try to work through diplomatic channels rather than give the upstart Asian country too much broadcast news legitimacy. And no wonder. Here the North Koreans have the audacity to refer to their missiles with such cheek-reddening names as Taepo Dong and Nodong.

It's kind of hard to quake with fear when you're told North Koreans are tinkering with a Taepo Dong. "Well, what type o' dong are they tinkering with? And can it be bought online to improve my own self-confidence?"

And Nodong? What kind of a missile name is that? Tell me Kim Jong Il himself didn't personally conjure that name just to make the U.S. military squirm during briefings.

"Well, Mr. President, as you can see, we should really be concerned about North Korea's Nodong technology. Franklin, please quit snickering back there! This is serious! Anyway, to continue: this is obviously no ordinary Taepo Dong. If we look at the map, we see that Nodong can reach this far. Okay, gentlemen, if you can't take this briefing more seriously, I'll ask you to step outside so I can give the president a close-up look at Nodong."

Obviously, the Bush administration is wary of putting the president in front of the White House press corp to discuss the North Korean missile program. With all the talk about Taepo Dongs and Nodongs, his approval ratings would plummet.

REPORTER #1: Mr. President, how big of a threat do you think the North Korean missile program poses to the rest of the world.

PRESIDENT W: A rogue nation developing Nodongs is obviously a pretty big concern. We don't want Nodongs coming out of North Korea and threatening the world.

REPORTER #1: Excuse me?

PRESIDENT W: Let's put it another way. If weapon inspectors visited North Korea and found a dangerous Taepo Dong, or even Nodongs, we'd have to ask their government why.

REPORTER #2: Soo. . . a nation with no dongs is bad? Is that what you're saying?

PRESIDENT W: Well, obviously. But, more than that, the North Korean Taepo Dongs are just as bad as Nodongs.

REPORTER #2: I see. Actually, no I don't. When did U.S. policy start viewing the North Korean type o' dong as somehow different from the rest of the world?

PRESIDENT W: Huh? What Taepo Dong does the rest of the world have? Why wasn't I informed about this?

The next day's newspaper headlines would read: NO DONGS THREATEN BUSH

So you see, until the North Koreans have the courtesy to rename their missiles, we're going to focus all our attention on Iraq.

Posted by Ryan at January 13, 2003 11:53 AM
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