Rambling Rhodes

"More News From the Nose,"

"More News From the Nose," c. Ryan Rhodes, Jan. 13, 2003

In one of my recent columns I described, in probably more detail than most readers would have liked, my childhood memories of getting a button stuck up my nose and my unwitting inhalation of Endust cleaner, which momentarily got me high and made me topple off my windowsill perch. You'd think I'd reminisce about some good childhood memories from time to time, but this is the material with which I choose to work.

Well, that column generated more e-mail responses than you could sneeze at. Okay, in actuality, it generated seven e-mail responses, and if you tried I'm sure you could sneeze at each of them. But, why would you? Surely you have something better to do than sneeze at e-mails, you oddball.

>From Aubrey: You should have put a warning to young readers as you know many will try any stunt. Here come the lawsuits for Rambling Rhodes. The Endust incident now explains many things to us. Unless of course this just happened?

Just for the record, I don't believe stuffing a button up my nose or inhaling Endust really qualify as "stunts." Jumping the Grand Canyon on a motorcycle is a stunt. Inhaling Endust was a dumb and dangerous thing I did as a toddler, and that also prompted a massive headache for hours afterward. I also like to blame Endust for my early hair loss, my weak ankles, and the current slump in the economy. Beware the Endust, my friends. Beware.

>From Jody: The Endust story explains a lot about you.

Okay, short though that comment was, I can't help but believe it was just meant to be mean. Fortunately, I thrive on mean comments. Still, Jody may have a point. Perhaps my Endust sniffing incident actually rewired my brain and turned me into a super human. Perhaps the Endust is responsible for my current status as a smoking hot specimen of male hunkiness.

Or, perhaps none of this is true. After a quick online search, I found out that Endust is marketed simply as a no-wax formula that removes dust, soil and surface wax buildup. Not a single mention about its ability to cause a toddler to topple off windowsills after inhalation. How strange.

Okay, I get it, readers, you think I'm odd and that Endust may have something to do with it. Let's move on to e-mails that don't have anything to do with me.

>From Jackie: My niece once got a pussywillow stuck up her nose. Wouldn't that tickle you crazy?

Well, yes, but only because I've never been able to say "pussywillow" without giggling uncontrollably.

I remember when I first encountered a pussywillow branch outside my elementary school. I thought the little fuzzy balls were actually cocoons, so stuffing one up my nose was not an option. The next spring would come, I'd be called up in front of class to answer a question, and suddenly a butterfly would come fluttering out of my nose, but only after I writhed on the floor in agony as the butterfly first feasted on my tender Endust-damaged brain tissue.

Now of course I know that the soft little balls are actually buds, so maybe I should stuff one in my nose. Nah, I'm too old for that kind of nonsense. Or am I?

>From Becca: Hey, o-kay, I probably shouldn't tell you this, but I once got a blueberry stuck up my nose - not so bad if I had been a child, but I was in college! Just thought I'd share.

Yep, back in my college days, that was referred to as "Snorting a Blue B." Everybody was doing it, man. Gave you a killer buzz. Wait a minute, no it didn't. A blueberry in the nose? In college? And it wasn't part of a sorority initiation or anything?

I'd like to postulate how Becca managed to get a blueberry stuck in her nose, but I have to go out and buy a pair of nose plugs. Apparently, you can't be too careful nowadays.

Posted by Ryan at January 20, 2003 10:53 PM