January 21, 2003

There's No Dignified Way to

There's No Dignified Way to Get Hit in the Nuts

I got hit in the nuts tonight. Hard. I got hit hard in the nuts tonight.

We were working knife disarming techniques, and I had a rubber knife and was attacking. The young man who was defending tried to kick the knife from my hand just as I backed up. The end result was a foot planted square in my groin. I let out a quick yelp, and then I hit the mat face first, bracing for the inevitable wave of pain that was sure to follow.

Now, getting hit in the dangly bits (a Gudy term) is bad enough. Whether male or female, you know that a lot of nerves meet up at the groin, and getting hit there is something both sexes take great pains to avoid. For guys, this is especially true, because our most favorite organ also comes into play.

Yes, getting hit in the nuts sucks, but it's made even worse when there's a crowd around to witness it. Take tonight, for example. There I was, writhing around in pain, desperately waiting for it to subside just enough so I could drag myself to a halfway standing position, and there were about 14 other people standing around watching my misery. Then, to top all that off, I had the head instructor trying to help me through the pain, reminding me to take deep breaths, as if he were my personal gonadal lamaze coach.

I certainly don't mean to to bitch about my instructor's efforts. He was just concerned and trying to help me out after all. But, seriously, the last thing I want after getting hit in the nuts is somebody telling me how to deal with the pain. I've been hit in the nuts many times before, so I'm familiar with the recovery process. Wince -> Groan -> Roll around in fetal position -> Sweat -> Whimper -> Try to stand like a newborn calf -> Walk it off. So, the instructor's help was not welcome, and in fact it only served to announce further to the class that I had been hit in the nuts. Nothing like having an attentive class so intimately aware of my shame.

People who witness a nut whacking incident treat the victim weird afterwards, like he is now a carrier of some strange disease. "Oh, you got hit in the nuts? I'm so sorry. Could you step back a bit? I don't want to catch whatever smashed nut syndrome you now may have." Think I'm kidding? Give yourself a good nut whacking amidst a crowd of onlookers some time and see how differently they treat you.

Back in my high school wrestling days, if someone took a shot to the nads, the coach would announce the situation to the entire wrestling room, and everyone would stop the workout and . . . applaud. That's right, they would applaud. This had a two part effect. On the one hand, the victim would be embarrassed. On the other hand, the victim would become indescribably pissed off. "How DARE they applaud my misery!" The situation, for me, was made incalculably worse because the coach was my dad.

So you see, there really is no dignified way to get hit in the nuts. However, if you'd like to prove me wrong, go right ahead and try. I'd love to hear all about it.

Posted by Ryan at January 21, 2003 10:55 PM

Party Pocker - Poker

Posted by: Party Pocker at October 19, 2004 04:58 AM
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