January 29, 2003

"Grab The Last Beer For

"Grab The Last Beer For Toad Licking News" c. Ryan Rhodes, Jan. 20, 2003

Well, it's been some time since I've scoured the great news heap that has gone unexplored amidst all this talk about impending war. However, although this week's installment of nearly overlooked news may be a tad old by news standards, that does not in any way lessen its importance. Now, before this news gets any older, let's begin.

Have you ever gone to a buddy's refrigerator, only to discover that a single beer remains? Sure, we all have. Of course, we remain civil about it. I mean, no one would ever kill someone over the last beer, right? Wrong.

According to a Dec. 6, 2002 Reuters news item out of Bandera, Texas, "a jury on Thursday handed a life prison sentence to a Texas man who shot and killed a longtime friend he accused of drinking the last beer in his refrigerator."

I don't know what it is about Texas. There must be something in the beer. I remember writing about another item that came out of Godley, Texas, about a man who killed another man during an argument over who was going to heaven and who was going to hell. amazingly, that incident also involved the ingestion of beer. A warning to all Texans: Stop drinking beer!

Getting back to the article: "‘There was only two beers left, so I took one, and I told Willie (now deceased Willie Lawson, 39) not to take my last beer,' Steven Brasher, 42, said in a taped statement that was played during the trial."

I know what you're thinking. You're thinking, "well, if it was the last beer, I guess I can kind of see his point." Actually, if you're thinking that, you're probably from Texas.

Come on, people. There's plenty of beer for all of us. And, if not, we can always hunt around in the backyard for a toad or two to lick. Huh?

From another Dec. 6, Reuters news item out of Amsterdam, we learn that "Dutch police are investigating whether drug addicts raided a pet shop and stole three exotic toads whose warty skin can induce hallucinations when licked."

You know your drug addiction may have hit an all time low when you start pondering the hallucinogenic qualities of a toad. When you find yourself enduring massive DTs due to toad withdrawal, it's a good indication your path in life has gone horribly astray.

The article continues: "Licking the toads can cause side effects like swelling of the tongue and temporary muscle paralysis, according to the pet shop owner."

JUNKIE ONE: Dude, are you all right? You don't look so good.

JUNKIE TWO: I can't move. I think I overdosed on toad!

This is your brain. This is your brain on toad. Any questions? Yeah, who came up with the idea of licking toads in the first place? There's nothing about the concept of picking up and licking a toad that sounds like a good idea to me. Maybe it's not something I'm meant to understand. Maybe it's something only German artists can understand. Huh?

From a Dec. 5, Reuters news report out of Berlin: "Visitors to an off-beat Berlin arts center thought a dead woman on the ground was a performance art act rather than a suicide, police said on Thursday."

Imagine, if you will: you're walking along the street, and you encounter a body. What do you do? Myself, I would check for vital signs, starting with a pulse. I would not immediately assume that the crumpled mass laying before me was an act of artistic expression. But, then again, I'm not German. I'm not a Texan either, thank goodness (hands off that last beer!).

To quote the article: "‘A group of visitors to the center at first thought the body lying on the ground at the art center was part of an art performance,' said police spokeswoman Christine Rother. ‘It took a while before anyone realized it was not an act but a suicide.'"

ART STUDENT #1: To me, the disjointed limbs represent our broken society, while the pained expression on her face is a cry against poverty, war, and social injustice.

ART STUDENT #2: True, true. It's representative of the works of Abbie Hoffman. Truly, this is a brilliant piece of work.

PASSER BY: Hey, this woman is dead!

ART STUDENTS #1 and #2: Pay him no mind. He has no eye for beer. That's mine!

I mean, unless a Texan claims it first.

Naked girl in a bar. Nude girl in the ocean.

Posted by Ryan at January 29, 2003 10:42 AM
Post a comment

Remember personal info?

StumbleUpon Toolbar Stumble It!