February 07, 2003

Terror Alert System Not Working

Terror Alert System Not Working
Government Officials Labor To Make System More Terrifying to Americans

WASHINGTON D.C. (Rhodes Media Services) -- The American people showed a remarkable lack of concern following the Bush administration's elevation of the nation's terror alert to "orange" Friday afternoon, prompting many within the administration to wonder if enough is being done to adequately terrify U.S. citizens.

An apparently unconcerned American public went about their daily routines, largely unaffected by the news that America was on orange alert, the second highest level that calls for, among other things, additional precautions at public events. Still, citizens were seen milling around in crowded malls and walking around outside, apparently unaware that their lives were in desperate peril.

"Obviously, we're not doing a very good job at scaring the crap out of people, and I think we need to work on that," said Homeland Security Secretary Tom Ridge. "Initially, I thought the color orange was pretty spooky all by itself, kind of like a pumpkin, but I was apparently mistaken. It takes quite a bit to get Americans scared out of their minds, and we've got some ideas on how we can make the system a bowel-emptying adrenaline rush."

Among the ideas being explored, according to Ridge, is creating mascots for each terror alert level, not unlike the Smokey The Bear forest fire mascot. For example, the orange level mascot would be Anthrax Andy, an eight foot kangaroo in a bio suit, and red would be represented by Smallpox Samantha, a nine foot tall squirrel covered in seaping pustules. Additionally, each level will have its own unique theme music, consisting of 80 percent pipe organ.

"Now that's some scary shit," said Ridge. "When Americans see Anthrax Andy on television, and they hear eerie organ music in the background, I guarantee they'll flip out."

Posted by Ryan at February 7, 2003 01:08 PM
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