February 18, 2003

How To Bore A Man

How To Bore A Man in Two Hours

Mel dragged me, kicking and screaming and bitching and moaning, to the cimematic catastrophe that is "How To Lose A Man In 10 Days." Okay, it wasn't THAT bad, but there were certainly other things I would have rather have done, like just about anything. How do you lose a man in ten days? Well, you can start by taking him to this movie. Even Mel admitted afterwards that it wasn't quite what she anticipated.

Make no mistake, this is a chick flick. This flick is for chicks. At no point was this more perfectly illustrated then when Mathew McConaughey takes his shirt off in his office and is ogled by three female co-workers who are apparently seaping vaginal fluid at the mere sight of his shaved chest. Try taking your shirt off in most offices and you'll be served a sexual harrasment suit, but whatever.

The premise is pretty simple: an aspiring journalist (Kate Hudson) is assigned an article for Composure Magazine meant to detail the common "don'ts" that women commit early on in relationships. In other words, she has to scare a guy away in 10 days. Unfortunately for her, her target is working to secure a multimillion dollar diamond marketing deal, and the only hitch is he has to make a certain woman fall in love with him, conveniently, in 10 days. Let the hi-jinx ensue!! *groan*

Right away, the movie falls flat for me, because it's based on the tired story of two people playing with the hearts and minds of another person for the promise of materialistic career advancement. How romantic. Kate Hudson is defintely cute, in an Avon sort of way, and if I were homosexual or female I'd probably find McConaughey to be dreamy. I can't believe I just used the term "dreamy." But, overall, this was your standard far-fetched romantic chick flick, complete with a nasty looking dog that pees on a pool table. No offense, but I saw that coming a mile away. She put the dog on the pool table, and I was thinking "well, there's either a poop or pee scene coming up here."

And why is it, in movies, that when a couple starts falling in love, the background music of choice is a piano slowly being played, apparently with one hand? What is it about a few clunky piano notes that reflects a growing emotional attachment? Why not an oboe? Perhaps a tuba? A tuba love scene would so rock.

Of course, eventually, the two scheming characters fall in love with each other, pretty much at the same time they find out that they've been playing each other. What follows is a disturbing duet that underscores just how much McConaughey is okay as eye candy, but he can't sing to save his life. Why they had to throw in the duet scene is beyond me, because it flat out didn't work. Hudson should have simply kicked McConaughey in the nuts and saved the audience a precious seven minutes.

But, being that it's Hollywood, the couple gets together in the end, following a humdrum chase scene where McConaughey pretends to ride a motorcycle through traffic. As we exited the theater, I said to Mel: "Well, that's two hours of my life I could have spent drinking," to which an unknown man behind me blurted, "That's God-damned right!"

Rating: 4 out of 10.

Posted by Ryan at February 18, 2003 01:15 PM

Party Pocker - Poker

Posted by: Party Pocker at October 19, 2004 05:23 AM
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