May 08, 2003

Ventura Channels His Inner Iraqi

Ventura Channels His Inner Iraqi Information Minister
Former Minnesota Governor Insists Show Not In Trouble

MINNEAPOLIS, Minn. (Rhodes Media Services) -- Jesse Ventura, former governor of Minnesota and current shameless self-promoter, has vehemently been denying rumors that his upcoming MSNBC television program is "terrible."

Standing in front of a hurriedly constructed, poorly lighted makeshift press room, as well as a stack of microphones, most of which weren't plugged into anything, Ventura spoke at length about the strength of his cable program and how he believed it would "crush the many headed snake" of other similar issue-oriented talk shows.

"Truly, truly I tell you that my show, the Jesse Ventura Show, is as strong and powerful as I, Jesse Ventura, the man who shocked the world, am," said Ventura while flexing his right bicep. "The great media Satan -- those jackals -- would have you believe that my show is doomed to failure. Do not believe them!! If you have fallen under the slithering charm of those despicable non-humans, I am here to tell you that you are too far from reality!"

Ventura continued to speak despite a cleaning crew working behind him, apparently clearing the set for what appeared to be a different talk show that will apparently be hosted by Gary Coleman.

"No! No! I have not been usurped by a has-been African American with stunted growth!" admonished Ventura, his chin quivering. "These are simply vicious lies and bad theater put on by a media cabal in the throes of desperation. I stand before you now and tell you, as has always been my opinion, I will roast their stomachs in hell and beat them about the head and face with smelly old running shoes!"

Posted by Ryan at May 8, 2003 12:10 PM
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