July 02, 2003

If A Tree Falls In The Forest, And No One Was Around. . .

IBM routinely makes a head scratcher of an announcement, and it goes something like this:

May I have your attention please. May I have your attention please. This is a test of the site-wide public address system. If you are in an area where you cannot clearly hear this announcement, please call ***-****.

Excuse me, but if you can't hear the damn announcement, how the hell do you know that you're supposed to call to fix the problem? Is this an attempt by Big Blue to encourage employees to get in touch with the zen side of their personalities? Next thing you know, they'll be asking for the sound of one hand clapping.

I can just imagine there's some lucky soul who has been working here for 20 years, in an office where they never, not once, heard a public address announcement. He or she blithely sat through tornado drills, fire drills, Chinese fire drills, 3/4 inch bit drills. I want to be that person. I want to be free of the omnipresent voice of the public address system.

Not that it would make much difference. IBM employees have a strange sixth sense when it comes to knowing when a fire or tornado drill is looming. I've known of every impending drill hours, and sometimes days, ahead of schedule. So, those of us who know the exact day and time a drill is scheduled simply exit the building and go for a nice stroll a few minutes prior to the drill. That way, we opt out of the ridiculous group huddling down on the lower floors or congregating outside. Of course, should an actual fire or tornado hit, I'm pretty much screwed, but whatever.

So, it turns out Kraft is going to try to make its products less heavy on the calories and fat and cholesterol. How do they plan to do this? By making smaller portions, of course. Anyone want to bet the prices will probably remain the same? Anyone?

Here's the deal, people. I eat whatever I want, pretty much whenever I want. Just last night, I ate at Famous Dave's, where I gorged on ribs and fries and beans and corn. And I'm thin as a twig. 6'1" and 165 lbs. My secret? It's not a fucking secret. I exercise. I run. I do hapkido. I walk to places instead of hopping in my car every time I need to go less than five blocks away.

I don't have time for people who make excuses for their sedentary lifestyles. If you choose to lay around watching television or playing computer games all day, fine. Just don't sit there and complain to me that you think you're getting overweight, or you feel sluggish, or your heart stopped. And, most of all, don't blame Kraft for the fact that you can't make it from the kitchen to the living room without breathing hard and taking a break. It's not rocket science. If you eat shit and don't do shit, you're going to feel and look like shit.

It amuses me when I tell my friends I'm going for a run and they look at me like I'm a nutball or something, but then they turn around and wonder why I can scarf down a taco pizza and not gain an ounce. I'm not bragging here. I'm simply pointing out that our culture keeps sending out mixed signals. On the one hand, you're supposed to look like a Greek god or goddess, but if you happen to live an active lifestyle, you're considered a health nut or obsessed with your looks. No, I'm not. I'm obsessed with living a long healthy life, and I'll continue to exercise for as long as my body will allow it. It really isn't that hard to get off your ass. The human body is designed for motion and work, and it's the only one you get, so fucking take care of it.

There, that's my rant.

Posted by Ryan at July 2, 2003 11:22 AM
Post a comment

Remember personal info?

StumbleUpon Toolbar Stumble It!