October 17, 2003

Cheddar's Better When It's Rated X

When a blogger has nothing else to blog about, it's nice to have the Cheddar X to fall back on.

1. What was the last person, thing or event that made you cry?

9/11 anniversary stuff aside, I'd have to say it was my grandfather's funeral. I spoke at the funeral, and there was something about standing in front of the church, the same church where I had sat at so many Christmas masses with a feeling of total contentment, that just about made me drop to the floor in tears. On an unrelated note, my grandfather's casket was the heaviest thing constructed by man. There were six pallbearers, and we were on the verge of dropping the thing by the time we got it positioned over the grave. I swear it was made of lead.

2. What was your most recent vivid dream about?

Just last night I had a fucking hair dream. If you've never had a hair dream, let me explain. I've been shaving my head now since I was 21, primarily because I was destined to lose my hair anyway, and also because I look smoking hot with a shaved head. But. . . I occasionally have hair dreams in which I inexplicably find myself with a HUGE head of hair. We're talking gorgeous locks flowing down to my ass crack. I don't know where the hair came from, but I don't care. It's just super-cool to have hair again, if only in a dream.

3. What is the best bumper sticker you've seen or thought up?

The best bumper stickers in the world were placed on my old '89 Cavalier by me. They were: "Kinky Is Using A Feather. Perverted Is Using The Whole Chicken." "I'm Hung Like Einstein, And Smart As A Horse."

4. Who was your worst room mate? Why?

Spoon. Oh, God, SPOON! My fourth year of college, I shared a dilapidated party shack with four other guys. Spoon, so named because it reflected his intellect, was among them. He was a short scrawny dork with an impossibly deep voice for his size. He fancied himself a ladies man, even though he got laid a total of zero times during the year. It was widely believed he just hadn't come to terms with his homosexuality yet. Spoon loved himself with a ferocity that would apall even the most narcissistic people on the planet and he had a collection of colognes that could gas most third world countries. Spoon had a passion for loud music, and not necessarily GOOD music. He would blare his stereo at the most ridiculous hours of the day and night, and since I was in the room closest to his, I'd march into his room regularly and threaten his pathetic existence. And his room was HUGE, and compared to my fucking mouse hole of a room, it was palacial, which only made me hate him even more. But, it was his stupidity that irritated me the most. When he brought his TV upstairs to his room, I brought my TV downstairs so the rest of the roommates could continue watching TV. Spoon came downstairs, looked at the TV, and asked "Who's TV is that?" "It's mine." "So, you brought your TV downstairs, then?" Yes, you fucking MORON!

5. What do you order most often when you go out to eat?

If I'm at a new place, I always like to try their fettucine alfredo. Otherwise, I have a weakness for ribs.

6. What's your cocktail of choice? Or beverage for the non-drinkers?

Crown Royal and Coke.

Bonus Question:
Can anyone explain how Arnold Schwarzenegger became the governor of California? And how we can get rid of him?

He was elected through a recall of an ineffectual and monumentally corrupt governor who had all the personality of an angry cobra. Arnold won the recall due primarily to his celebrity status. As a sidenote to this, I find it amazing how the true enemies of Arnold tried to paint him as (and still believe him to be) a goose-stepping Nazi. WTF? He said he admired Hitler's abilities as an ORATOR, and anyone who has ever seen a clip of Hitler pounding away at a podium has to admit the guy had an uncanny ability to inspire crowds through his speeches. Granted, he was a hateful and evil runt of a man who should rightly go down in history as one of the most despicable creatures ever to walk the earth, but the guy had a knack for public speaking. Having said that, I think I'm now qualified to be governor of California. How do you get rid of Arnold? Through an election.

Posted by Ryan at October 17, 2003 09:54 AM
Post a comment

Remember personal info?

StumbleUpon Toolbar Stumble It!