February 26, 2004

Pillow Drool

I woke up this morning with the left side of my face practically swimming in drool. It's not my fault, it's really not. I'm not a chronic sleep drooler. Normally, my drool mechanism is kept under tight control. However, this week, due to circumstances beyond my control, I'm drooling truly horrifying amounts of, well. . . drool.

Here's why.

Last Saturday night, Melissa and I went to a local Chilis Restaurant, because I deferred restaurant judgement to her. If it had been up to me, I would have been slurping down Applebees riblets, but Melissa had a hankering for Chilis food, so I acquiesced.

Anyway, one of Mel's most favorite things in the world is chips and salsa. If it were nutritionally possible for her to live entirely on chips and salsa, chances are quite good she'd adopt such a diet plan. Chips and salsa are to Melissa as bamboo shoots are to panda bears. So, no sooner had we sat down then Mel was ordering chips and salsa.

If there's one thing about Chilis, it's that they actually do have good chips and salsa. Now, I realize it's no big culinary triumph to produce good chips and salsa (heretofore referred to as C&A), but I've been to plenty of eating establishments that serve the most God-awful salsa imaginable--think extra-chunky ketchup and you get the idea.

But, Chilis has good C&A, so I dove right into the basket of chips when it arrived, and I promptly grabbed the most dense and solidified chip ever produced. This chip had the consistency of granite. I unwittingly placed the chip in my mouth and bit down hard. The unchip-like chip didn't so much as bruise beneath my teeth, but it did stab my inner left lip with a sharpened chip point that was sharper than the sterile lancets hospitals use to draw blood from a finger. It cut long and deep into my inner lip before I managed to spit the diamond-tipped chip back onto my plate.

If you're at all familiar with cuts in the inner mouth, you know that they tend to develop into a condition known as canker sores. Well, boys and girls, I now have the great poombah of canker sores adorning my inner left lip. This thing is gargantuan. It's so big, in fact, that it actually pushes my lip noticeably outward.

And, I might add, since it pushes my lip outward, it compromises the seal that kept me from drooling all over the place. So, for the past few days, I've awakened in a small puddle of my own saliva, due to the current fault in my mouth levee system. I hope this thing heals soon. I'm sick of washing my pillowcases every morning.

Posted by Ryan at February 26, 2004 10:02 AM
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