March 03, 2004

The Worst Acting Job In The World Is Occupied By That Enzyte Guy

I don't spend a whole lot of time worrying about the size and fullness of my penis. I'm genuinely happy with its overall form, function and size. It performs as expected or, as Data on Star Trek: TNG might say "It's functioning within established parameters."

I bring up Data and my penis in the same paragraph because I watch a lot of Spike TV, a cable station that ensures I can easily quench my thirst for TNG and Most Extreme Elimination Challenge. The thing is, though, that Spike TV, which touts itself as the first station dedicated entirely to male-oriented programming, apparently firmly believes that all the men of the world must desire "male enhancement." I say this because, on any given evening of Spike TV programming, you'll see that as much as 85 percent of its advertising is made up entirely of Enzyte commercials.

Enzyte, for those unfamiliar with the product, claims, quite repeatedly, that it is "The once-a-day tablet for natural male enhancement." I am in no way speaking ill of those men in the world who require supplements to get their old Evinrude's cranking. I understand that age can wreak havoc on bodily functions, and the penis is not spared the wrath of aging.

Rather, my problem lies with the commercials themselves. They just creep me out. There's this guy, and his whole acting requirement is to smile the most God-awful ear-to-ear smile, and he has to maintain it throughout the commercial. It's hideous and horrifying and most of all just kind of sad.

I hope that acting gig pays well, because after these commercials have run their course and mercifully die out, he'll be forever known as "The Enzyte Guy." No company would want him as their spokesman, and no sitcom would want him to try out for a pilot, because you just can't have the creepy-smiling Enzyte guy as a cast member. It would be too difficult for the audience to escape into the fiction of the sitcom, because in the back of their minds, they know that THAT'S THE ENZYTE GUY.

Oh, and I should also point out that a couple of the commercials thus far wallow in some of the most obvious racial stereotyping this side of Huggy Bear.

And, the worst part, THE WORST PART, is that one of those commercials features a little whistling diddy in the background that is just freakin' impossible to get out of your head. So, today at work, I keep finding myself whistling that damned Enzyte tune. Oh, yeah, there's also another Enzyte commercial featuring Japanese businessmen and, of course, THE ENZYTE GUY, and it, too, features an annoying little diddy that sticks in your head like gum to a table.

None of this, of course, would be a problem if I wasn't addicted to Star Trek: TNG reruns and Most Extreme Elimination Challenge. But still, I'm really getting to the point that I actually kind of hate THE ENZYTE GUY. That little dick.

POLITICAL UPDATE: To all those Deaniacs out there who encouraged Howard Dean to re-enter the presidential race after he handidly won Vermont last night, I feel I should really point something out to you. . . This is Vermont. This is California. This public service is brought to you by the good people at common sense and perspective who say, in all seriousness, you people are crrrrraaaaaazzzzzyyy. YEAARGH!!

Posted by Ryan at March 3, 2004 01:56 PM
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