August 06, 2003

Come To The Dark Side, Britney. AND SHOW US YOUR TITS!

Apparently, all of the prognostication regarding how long it would take Britney Spears to shed her clothes was dead on. According to reliable sources, the dethroned princess of pop, who substituted tittilating on-stage gyrations in lieu of actual talent, has posed naked for some magazine known as British Elle.

Whether Britney actually bared full breasts isn't all that clear, but it's a sure indication that her fall from grace is in full tilt. You can judge the career slide of most female musicians according to their level of exposed flesh. Christina Aguilera is a notable exception, because she actually has talent and a damned fine voice, so when she goes gallavanting off in her pornstar dress code, I'll give her a slide.

Ah, but Britney is just an airbrushed screeching harpy with nothing left to sell the finicky public except for her body. Like Samantha Fox before her, she's poised to give the world a fading glance at her physical attributes before her next album goes to pot faster than Snoop Dogg.

Just some advice to newbie starlets who are on course to shine brightly in the sky and then flame out (yeah, I'm looking at YOU Kelly Clarkson): the music buying public won't turn out in droves to buy your crappy CDs just because you stripped down and showed the world your bodily goods. You see, we buy music we like to listen to, and only a small cadre of confused young men going through a difficult patch of puberty will actually buy your music because they like to hear your voice as they frantically masturbate to your nude photos.

If you want to be a respected artist, get back into your clothes and then go back to the recording studio. Write some songs that don't suck and sound like the poetic musings of a half-deranged hyena. Take a page out of Liz Phair's book, or Shirley Manson's, or Delores O'Riordan's. These are women who can write AND sing, even though it can be argued that Shirley Manson is a scary-looking women (though I still think sex with her would be a hoot).

So, bad luck to you Britney Spears, and good riddance. May your clothes continue to fall floorward in direct proportion to your sliding celebrity status. The trashy slut image has been done many times before by musicians far better than you, and they still dropped from sight regardless. It works for a few (although if Madonna drops her trousers ever again I think I'll blow a multitude of chunks), but mostly it's a last-ditch attempt to salvage a doomed career while making a few buck on the side.

Now, if you don't mind, Britney, just show us your tits and be done with it.

But, please, don't sing.

Posted by Ryan at August 6, 2003 01:58 PM
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