September 29, 2003

I'm A Renaissance Man

There are moments in life where you just KNOW you're about to be taken for a financial ride. For me, one of those moments came Saturday when I went to the last weekend of Minnesota's Renaissance Festival and, despite an entry fee of $16.95, I paid it anyway.

TICKET LADY: Here's your ticket, sir. Now, if you will just bend over ever so deeply and clutch your own ankles, you may proceed to the entrance.

ME: Thank you.

Did you know that "Renaissance," loosely translated, means "gullible broken idiot?" Really, it's true.

I only attended one other Renaissance Festival, and I was just a child at the time. But, I remember thinking, even then, that it seemed to be a lot to do about nothing. Granted, some of the shows are entertaining, and I can never resist the allure of walking around with a massive grilled turkey leg grasped in my hand like Twisted Sister, but aside from that, the Renaissance Festival is more or less the State Fair all over again, except with people in costumes.

And what's with the costumes? As a child, I thought the folks in costume were hired to give the festival an authentic feel. Not so. All those maidens and gents milling around wearing tights and chain mail and dresses are wearing those ensembles BECAUSE THEY WANT TO. It's like a Dungeons & Dragons convention gone horribly awry. I don't mean to belittle the folks who actually have Renaissance wear in their closets, which they drag out each year at the same time so they can "go native" at the Festival. But, still. I mean, COME ON, it's 50 frippin degrees out! You can't be comfortable in knee-length pantaloons, shirts cut off at the shoulder, and a chilly chain mail head protector. You just can't be. And, really. . . CHAIN MAIL? Are you expecting a drive by swording or something? *grumble, grumble*

I eventually became miffed at Melissa, who had a declared goal of walking around the festival grounds, sipping from a goblet of wine. Okay. Fine. But, first, we had to find a goblet. No problem. We were at the Renaissance Festival, after all. Goblets were plentiful. After a disturbing amount of goblet searching, with Melissa looking for "just the right goblet" (I never knew such a thing existed, by the way), she finally found a ceramic goblet she liked. And it only cost $16 (for a fucking goblet that probably cost 50 cents to make). Then, THEN, Melissa decided she wanted matching goblets, because thought it would be cute if we walked around drinking wine from matching goblets.

*brain stops functioning. Ryan's anger level at critical*

My once-pliant wallet built an immediate barrier at the thought of buying matching overpriced goblets in the name of "being cute." My internal accountant just couldn't justify the purchase. He sat there, cigarette in mouth, clear visor on his head, madly tapping on his tabulating machine, and he came to the inescapable conclusion that "that's just a really fucking stupid purchase, sir."

I informed Melissa that I was not going to buy a single goblet, yet alone two, just so I could walk around shlepping wine on a cold, drizzly day to better fit in with people who have little or no lives.

A battle of wills commenced. Informed that I would not acquiesce to a goblet purchase in any way, shape or form, Melissa, who is perpetually cash strapped due to her student status, went ahead and bought BOTH goblets any way, primarily, I believe, to piss me off.

The hitch, of course, was that, after buying two stupid fucking goblets, she didn't have any money left for. . . get ready. . . WINE.

I had her. She cozied up to me, and asked me for wine money so she could fill her stupid goblets, and I wouldn't hear of it. No way, sister. No chance. Not going to happen. Not on my watch. You got your goblets, and now you have to suffer the consequences.

So, she did what any girlfriend determined to get her way would do: she asked her friend for some money. Her friend ponied up the dough, and Melissa went off and filled her goblet with wine, making a point not to fill BOTH goblets. Fine. I didn't want to drink wine from a stupid fucking goblet any way! Argh!

Relationship fever. Catch it!!

Sunday afternoon, I brought my old computer to my friend, Gozz, who installed Windows 2000 Server so I can start to undertake my long awaited project of moving my blog to an at-home location, complete with fun and flashy graphics and PICTURES. Real, honest-to-goodness pictures. It's both an attempt to make my blog more interesting, while at the same time adding to my Web-based skill set. We shall see how this project evolves.

Posted by Ryan at September 29, 2003 11:43 AM
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