November 05, 2003

Homeward Bound

I'm no expert when it comes to buying a house. Basically, I'm at the stage where I just drive around and look at houses that are for sale and sift through the local monthly realty magazine. But still, even though I'm still in the fledgling stages of house hunting, I've made some observations I think should be noted.

First and foremost, I've noticed that houses tend to be expensive. And I'm not talking about mildly expensive, either. When I say expensive, I mean chop-off-your-leg-and-part-of-your-right-buttock expensive. I'll see a nice modest home for sale, and I'll think "oh, that's a nice modest home, so it can't be too expensive," but then I'll look at the price and wonder if there's a secret diamond mine somewhere in the basement.

I should note that, when I say "modest," I really mean modest. For the past ten years, I've basically rented apartments and spent the vast majority of my time sitting in my one room, which served as my bedroom, and office, and dining room, and living room, and, occasionally, my kitchen.

So, when I say "modest," I pretty much mean it would be neat if I had a living establishment that consisted of more than just a bedroom and a bathroom. When I read house descriptions that tout a four season porch, I think to myself, "wow, that's almost like a bedroom."

Therefore, I'm fascinated when I see some of the extremely expensive homes. You know, the ones that cost a couple million dollars and come complete with a ridiculously small dog wearing a diamond-studded collar. I simply can't fathom living in such an opulent mansion. Sure, it would be fun for awhile, but eventually I'd be left thinking "damn it! This house is just too damned big. What the hell did I need a second kitchen for?"

Maybe I like to tell myself that because I'm bitter about the knowledge that I'll probably never be able to think about even pondering the possibility of exploring the potential of considering maybe examinining the feasibility of securing a loan for a multi-million dollar home.

So no, I'm not a mansion-buying kind of guy. I'm more of a dilapidated-shack-buying kind of guy. But, you know what? Even dilapidated shacks cost way more than they should.

I realize that home ownership isn't a simple deal, and I realize that people selling the houses and dilapidated shacks want to make some money on the whole deal. That's perfectly understandable. But, people selling homes have to understand something: namely, I don't have as much money as they're asking.

I know, I know. That's what banks and loans and guys who break fingers every other week are for. If you don't have enough money for something, you should go and borrow it from a trustworthy institution. Or, lacking a trustworthy institution, you could, I suppose, buy a snowmask and a gun and hope for a few lucky breaks at local convenience stores.

But, because I'm not a violent crime sort of guy, I'm resigned to the fact that, when I actually do find a house that is both pleasant and doesn't cost 30 times my annual salary, I'm going to have to grovel, hat in hand, with a money-lending institution, most probably my credit union.

I'm not looking forward to that. I don't like borrowing money. Mostly, though, I don't like the thought of being insanely in debt. No one really enjoys being in debt, but I truthfully despise the concept. The thought that you own something, but not really because you're in debt is entirely bothersome to me. When I finally paid off the remaining $4,500 on my car this summer, I wanted to run to my credit union and do a taunting dance while waving my payment coupon book in front of me like a fan. Nyah, nyah, nyah, nah, nah, nyahhhhh!

So, if you know of home for sale in the Rochester area that consists of a bathroom and a bedroom, and maybe a kitchen (I'm not too picky), that costs under $10,000, please let me know immediately. I can afford that.

Posted by Ryan at November 5, 2003 10:13 AM
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